Unwanted Heat

Nicholas

“Because I fucking love you.”

FUCK… I can’t believe I said that. I swore I wouldn’t open myself up like that again, that if I didn’t admit to anyone how I felt then the risk wouldn’t be there. I just ruined everything! She doesn’t feel the same way

–

“I love you too, but that doesn’t mean you get to keep secrets from me! If you can’t trust me enough to tell me-”

“What did you say?”

I’m in front of her in two quick steps, needing to be closer to her when she says what I think she just said. I couldn’t have heard her correctly -she couldn’t have said what I think she just said. She couldn’t possibly love me… she can’t.

“I love you but-”

I turn her around so quickly she gasps in surprise just before my lips are on hers. I don’t give her a chance to say anything else. I don’t want to talk about anything else right now-if we continue talking she might change her mind. She might finally realize that I’m not the man that she deserves; that I’m not good enough for her. Her body immediately relaxes against mine when I pull her closer to me, her fingers comb through my hair as she opens herself to me. Desperate for this to not end, I urge her to move backwards, toward the bed that is on the other side of the door. With her back firm against the door, I take my time exploring her body, feeling each of her curves beneath the sexy dress she is wearing. Needing to feel more of her, I reach for the door knob, but the moment she senses what I’m doing, she pulls back.

“No,” she pants, her breathing still heavy.

“I want to make love to you,” I’ve never said those words to anyone other than Kenzie. I’ve never heard the desperation in my voice that is there right now. I’ve never needed someone as much as I need her right now. I’m not good at expressing how I feel with words-this is the only way I know I can show her how I feel about her.

“No.”

“No?”

FUCK… she’s never stopped me before. She’s never said no before

–ConTEent bel0ngs to Nôv(e)lD/rama(.)Org .

“If you can’t trust me enough to tell me what’s going on-”

“You think I don’t trust you?”

How can she think that? Doesn’t she know that I trust her more than I’ve ever trusted anyone before? Doesn’t she realize that I don’t want to tell her because I don’t want to her hurt her? Because I know once she hears about The Blue Moon she is going to want to leave me. This isn’t about trust-this is about me not wanting to lose the woman who somehow over the last few months, has managed to turn my life completely upside down and break down every protective wall that I put up.

“It’s fine, Nicholas, if you don’t trust me. I mean, I get that we’ve only known each other for a few months now. I trust you completely, but if don’t-”

“Fuck, Kenzie. This isn’t about not trusting you.” I lift her chin to get her to look at me, but her eyes remain down. I can see the tears she is trying to keep from falling and I realize that she truly does believe that I’m not telling her about the club because I don’t trust her. FUCK… I didn’t want to hurt her! Can’t she see that I’m only trying to protect her? Why is it I keep fucking this up? I need to fix this before I fuck things up even more.

“I trust you more than I’ve ever trusted anyone in my entire life. Not wanting to tell you about The Blue Moon has nothing to do with not trusting you. I love you, Kenzie, I don’t want to lose you. That’s why I don’t want to tell you about that place-”

“I’m yours, Nicholas,” she places her lips softly against mine, her eyes never leaving mine. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to leave you because of whatever this place is to you. You’re not going to lose me.”

“You can’t say that, you don’t know-”

“I know the man you are. You’re a good man, who is kind, generous, loving and caring-”

“I’m not-”

“You are. And that’s the man that I fell in love with, even though I

fought like hell against it. There’s nothing you can tell me that is going to make me stop loving you. I’m not going to leave you. I’m yours-I’ve been yours I think, since the moment we met.”

“Kenzie…”

Well, fuck… It was only a few minutes ago that I was doubting that she felt the same way I do about her and here she is telling me-

“Please… just tell me whatever it is you need to, so we can move past this. I promise you it’s not going to change things between us. I just don’t want secrets between us. I don’t want whoever this person is to know you better than I do-”

“No one knows me like you do. No one.”

I lean down and kiss her again, hoping like hell that it isn’t the last time. She says nothing I can tell her will change things, but she doesn’t know about The Blue Moon yet. I don’t want to tell her, but I can’t stand the thought of hurting her or having her doubt that I trust her. Trust has been such an issue for both of us, but I think more so for Kenzie given how much her’s was broken in the past.

“Come, let’s sit on the couch.”

Holding her hand, I lead her away from the bedroom door and over to the couch in the sitting area of the suite. Once she is seated, I pour us both a glass of wine from the bottle that, at my request, the hotel had chilled before we arrived. I take a large gulp of wine before sitting down.

“You already know that before… that things with other women… were different. You were the first woman I’ve ever made love to, the first woman I’ve ever slept with that, didn’t have their hands held. I’ve never trusted anyone, the way I trust you.”

“Nicholas-”

“After… things ended with Harper, I swore I would never open myself up like that again. I had no desire to be in a long term, committed relationship. A quick fuck was really all I was looking for, one that came with no attachments. The bar scene got old quick, and really, it just wasn’t for me. I was tired of the strange looks when I held a woman’s hands or asked her if I could restrain them. Trying to pass it off as a way to spice things up didn’t always work.

“One night I was out with a new client, celebrating a significant return on his investment that allowed his company to open another location, when he had a little too much to drink. He started going on and on about how he couldn’t wait to get to this club the next night to really celebrate. It took another two shots before he opened up that he was going to a sex club, one that catered to various different types of kink but also offered an opportunity for casual hook ups.”

“That’s what The Blue Moon is? A sex club?” she asks.

“Yes,” I admit. “That wasn’t the club he was talking about, but once I had the name of his club I was able to do some digging and find one in New York. It took a lot to get a membership: they just don’t let anyone in, you need to know someone and pass all their thorough background checks. That took some work, but eventually I was able to find someone to vouch for me and I was given a membership.

“Blue Moon caters to every type of lifestyle you can probably think of, and then some. Some couples arrive together, some meet up there regularly and some are just looking for casual, no strings attached, sex. For the first time, no one questioned my need to restrain their hands. They accepted it.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I’m not sure what the big deal is… you went to a place to have sex. It was consensual, between two adults, right?”

“Of course.”

“Then what’s the big deal? Am I missing something? Why would you think I would… leave you for that?”

“Kenzie,” I sigh and sit back. “I just told you that I belonged to an exclusive sex club, catering to sexual fetishes, where I would fuck women whenever I wanted.”

“It’s not something I expected to hear, but you’re also not telling me that you kept women tied up somewhere at Accord Towers and held them prisoner so you could use them whenever you wanted,” despite the enormity of the conversation, she manages to laugh.

“No, nothing like that. It was sex, nothing more…”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course, anything.”

“And… are you… still a member there?” I lift her chin, so she can look in my eyes when I answer her.

“No, I gave up my membership the morning after you agreed to the prenup. In fact… I’ve only been there once since I met you that day on the side walk. And, even then… I didn’t…. nothing happened.”

“Why not?”

“I couldn’t stop thinking of you. None of the women there compared to you. I had a couple of drinks and left.”

“So this person who is texting me must know that you were a member there?”

“It seems so. I’m going to have Brian and Carter look into it and see if they can determine who sent the texts. They correctly assumed you weren’t aware that I had been a member there-”

“How would they have known that?”

“It’s a small community, all the members end up knowing each other. Unfortunately, our society is very close minded when it comes to sex, so most people who engage in an alternative lifestyle do it in private. I never engaged in public scenes, but this person likely made assumptions about what I did in private rooms with women.”

“And they thought I would leave you because of it, just like you thought?”

“Yes.”

“I still don’t see what the issue is.”

“Really?”

I’m shocked… it couldn’t have been this easy. Maybe she just needs to think about it more, maybe she’ll feel differently in the morning after she processes everything.

“If you would have told me this the day we first met, I might feel different than I do now. I know you Nicholas: I know the man that you are and the man who you aren’t. You used to belong to a sex club where you liked to fuck women rather than opening yourself up and trusting someone again. I can understand why you would choose a place like that, instead of dealing with people asking questions. I’m guessing this person is trying to make me think that you were into some of the lifestyles that were at the club. But even if you did like kinky sex so what? I know you would never hurt me or try to control me the way… he did-”

“Never… I swear I will never hurt you. That’s why it bothered me so much… when we… fooled around in my office. I was rough with you then, and I swore I would never be like that with you.”

“Nicholas, I told you beforeI liked that day in your office,” she blushes an adorable shade of pink. “It was really hot. I like when you’re gentle and take your time, but there was something about you that day that was incredibly hot. You were so in control, it was like you were so turned on that you demanded what you needed. I liked it.”

“So did I,” I take her hand in mine and squeeze it. “But I swear to you I will never hurt you.”

“I know you won’t.”

“So, you’re okay with all of this?”

“I’m fine, really. It’s not that big of a deal.”

“God, I don’t know what I did in my life to deserve you.”

“I ask myself that all the time.”

I take our glasses and place them in the kitchen sink, still in complete amazement with how tonight turned out. I expected Kenzie to end things between us; I was certain she wouldn’t understand the club and that the idea of me going to a place like that would make her sick. I don’t know what I would do if she walked out of my life right now. It’s taken me this long to finally discover what real love is-I’ve learned is very far from what I felt for Harper. I realize now, that without a shadow of a doubt, I never loved her. I have no idea how I thought that I did, but whatever I felt for her was far from love. Now that I’ve found it, I’m never going to let it go.

“Kenzie?” I turn around to find her black cocktail dress lying on the floor in the middle of the room. Looking toward the master bedroom, I see her shoes, thong and a black lace bra. Following the trail of clothes, I find her lying in the middle of the bed, completely naked.

“Make love to me, Nicholas.”