Forbidden Desire

Since I was a child, I’ve heard older people say that happiness doesn’t exist, that there are only happy moments that pass through our lives so quickly that sometimes we can’t even appreciate them. But I did appreciate them! A month had passed since I discovered that I was carrying a boy in my belly, a month since my pink world turned blue, and a month of almost constant happiness. I can’t deny that a big part of my happiness was thanks to Jihoon, who not only supported me in everything, showered me with affection, and was being a great father to my son even before he was born, but he also allowed Jason to visit me frequently at his house, which he insisted was ours and now I really felt it was.

It’s selfish to say that now that I spend time with both of them, I’m happier, but it’s the truth. My relationship with Jihoon is wonderful; we understand each other and get along in every way. We had deep conversations, painted together, and life with him was perfect. Or at least almost perfect, since I still couldn’t fully surrender to him despite wanting to. This was extremely frustrating for both of us because we both wanted it, but something in my mind always seemed to hold me back. Jason was becoming more present each day, and since Jihoon started allowing his visits here at home, they had become more frequent.

Today was another calm morning where I woke up with Jihoon holding me even though it was unconscious. I knew he was still sleeping because of his heavy breathing, and when I slowly turned around, I smiled at seeing his plump lips slightly parted. I was always amazed at how handsome he was, every detail, every feature, every mole of his, everything was extremely perfect, and he had been the muse for most of my paintings, although sometimes I still ended up painting Jason without realizing it. I pushed that thought aside and snuggled closer to Jihoon, who only murmured without opening his eyes. I moved closer to his neck, brushing my nose there, and he shivered. I couldn’t resist anymore and lightly bit his lips, making him wake up with a smile on his face.

“Good morning, love!”

The way his eyes smiled at me always made me overflow with happiness, and this time was no different. He melted me with just a smile, and I swear I haven’t found anything in the world more beautiful than his smile.

“Good morning!”

Just biting those lips wasn’t enough for me, and before I knew it, I was tasting them, devouring them, quenching my thirst in his saliva. I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy hormones, but this past week I’ve been feeling my whole body on fire every time I got close to Jihoon, and now it was no different. I climbed on top of him, straddling his body, and he smiled. I cupped his face in my hands and kept kissing him without stopping even to breathe. He seemed a bit lost, not knowing what to do because many times I started provoking him like now, but when he took action, I held back. But today would be different; I couldn’t take it anymore, not even for a minute. My body was begging for his, and when I started lightly grinding on him, feeling his member growing beneath me, I realized he felt the same.

“I want your hands on me!”

I said and took his hands, placing them on my breasts, which were only covered by the light fabric of a silk nightgown. I could see his eyes darken with desire, and every time that happened, my whole body seemed to respond. He slid his large hands over my body, causing shivers, and moved them to my buttocks, squeezing my flesh while burying his face between my breasts. Everything was incredibly pleasurable, but when he started lifting my nightgown to take it off, I completely froze. He was already familiar with my reaction, so he just sighed deeply before removing his hands from my body, keeping them raised.

“I’m sorry…”

This had become something common for me to say; I was always apologizing for my insecurities, fears, and blocks. Jihoon never criticized or demanded anything from me, but today, for the first time, he distanced himself from me, leaving the room, and that made me sad. Nothing affected me more than thinking that Jihoon was upset or sad because of me, so before I realized it, I was following him to the kitchen where he was already making coffee. He sensed my presence in the kitchen, and his voice came out low.

“Do you want coffee or would you prefer juice today?”

I couldn’t respond because my throat felt almost closed. I paid attention to every gesture of his, desperately trying to understand what he was thinking, and when I was unable to read him as he did with me, my voice trembled through the kitchen.

“Are you upset with me?”

He was squeezing some oranges and stopped immediately at my question, sighing heavily. He washed his hands and dried them before approaching me. The older man cupped my face in his hands and shook his head with a half-smile that I knew wasn’t entirely genuine.

“I’m sorry, love! I don’t know what’s happening. I want so much to be with you! So much that every time it’s me who starts kissing you because I really want to be yours! I don’t know why I freeze up…”

He looked at me, analyzing every word of mine, and sighed, seeming slightly disappointed.

“I could never be upset with the woman I love. But it’s also hard to see you lying to yourself.”

I looked at him, confused, while he seemed serious in his words despite shrugging as if it wasn’t that important.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re lying to yourself, saying you don’t know why you freeze up. When in reality, you know why, and he’ll probably be knocking on the door in a few minutes.”

“No, Ji… It’s not Jason’s fault.”

“I know it’s not. In fact, in this story, there are no culprits, just confused people trying to do their best, and whether you like it or not, Jane, you’re one of them. You still have so much fear… Fear of surrendering to me and finding I’m the same as him, fear of not being able to feel the same with me as you did with him, fear of being mine and that meaning you’ll never be his again because truly being with me will be like putting a period where there have only been ellipses until now.”

The more he spoke, the more I felt exposed, unraveled. Was I really that transparent, or did he have such a connection with me that he seemed to know all my thoughts? When I opened my mouth to speak, my voice came out strained by the tears I was holding back in my throat.

“Ji… I’ve already put a period on my story with Jason.”

He laughed incredulously, and I could see in his eyes that it hurt him.

“That’s what you say to me, to him, and even to yourself… But it’s clear when we try to get more intimate. I’m not pressuring you. I knew I had to be patient when we started our relationship, the only thing I ask is that you don’t lie, because maybe you need to accept your fear, or share it with me so we can move forward.”

He spoke without pausing and sighed, turning back to finish the juice. I hugged him from behind, holding onto him. He tried to turn to face me, but I didn’t let him because I wanted to confess something, but I knew I couldn’t say it looking into his eyes. Not knowing how to start, I just took a deep breath and ended up saying what I was really afraid of.

“I’m afraid you’ll see me differently afterwards…”

I didn’t know how to put my fear into words without hurting him, and the more I spoke, the more afraid I became.

“When it comes to intimacy, I’ve only had one man… And well… You see me as a romantic, dreamy girl, which I really am, but in intimacy, I might be different, and I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed, or that we won’t match, or that it won’t be as good… I… I’m just afraid of losing you if everything isn’t as we want it to be, after all, after so much time, we’ve already created an expectation… And what if you don’t like my body now that my belly is already visible? And what if I don’t do things the way you like? And what if in intimacy, I don’t like being so gentle and prefer a bit of roughness? And what if we don’t have chemistry? And what if I don’t like doing things in a more calm way? And what if you get disappointed with me? Aren’t you afraid…”

He was listening patiently as I spoke until he couldn’t control himself anymore. He turned to face me, holding my face in his hands. When his brown eyes met mine, I felt transparent, as if he could see into my soul.

“No… I’m not afraid because that’s impossible! I could never be disappointed with you. You’re afraid we won’t have chemistry, that I won’t like your body, that you’ll lose me, but all of that is impossible, Jane, and do you know why? Because I love you! I’ve loved you since you fell on top of me that day at the mall, loved you when I fell in love with all your paintings without even knowing they were yours, loved you even when I knew you were someone else’s and I thought I had no chance with you. And now… Now I love you even more. I love your body and your belly because I know you’re carrying a life, and if possible, it makes you even more beautiful.”

He paused to breathe, and a tear rolled down my face, which he quickly wiped away with his fingers.

“You’re afraid of losing me? That’s impossible, Jane, because I’m already yours, long before you were mine, and no matter what, that will never change. Any simple touch of his already makes me the happiest man in the world, and I’ll never pressure you. But even before kissing you, I always knew we had chemistry because whatever our souls are made of, they are the same and complement each other. And if you’re afraid of not liking to do things in a calmer way…”

He gave a mischievous smile as he moistened his lips with his tongue, and my whole body shivered.

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I swallowed hard, and my whole body trembled at the way he was looking at me. He slid his hands from my body to my waist, pulling me closer to him, and before I knew it, he was pressing me against the kitchen counter, leaving me with no escape.