Too Beautiful for the Alpha

Chapter 20

James is no good. James is bad for me, for my mental health, my physical health, my everything. I let

him fool me, I let myself believe that he cared for me. Thinking about it makes me furious with myself.

How could I let him in? How could I kiss him and lay in bed with him? For all I know, he could have

strangled me in my sleep. He could have contemplated suffocating me with the pillow he laid his head

on.

How could he hurt me again? How could I let him?

James was never going to bring me back and love me like I let myself believe. I want to yell at him and

never see him again at the same time. He's embarrassed me in front of my Alpha, gave me hope when

there was none, and has the guts to lay in my bed with me, knowing that everything he's been feeding

me is lies. He is a monster. He is cruel and manipulative.

After fleeing the pack house like an idiot, I locked myself in my bedroom, ignoring my mother's

questions and abandoning my plans with Noah. For hours I have been in here, and for hours I plan to

stay.

What will I do the next time he comes? Get Alpha Waters? Hide? Confront him in a rage of fury like I so

badly want to do? He's probably been sleeping with her, on top of this. She's probably wearing my

pajama shirt just so he can imagine the scent coming from her, and here I've been, waiting like a fool.

Here I've been, staring out my window, naive and optimistic, waiting for him to emerge from the trees

every night.

"Rae?" My mother softly calls from the other side of my door along with knocking. "Didn't you have

plans with Noah today? Do you want me to tell him you don't feel well? Do you want me to

reschedule?"

I don't answer. I haven't answered the last two times either.

"Oh, Rae, will you just tell me what happened? Unlock the door so we can talk."

"You don't understand," I murmur, not wanting to hear her say 'I told you so.'

"Honey, what happened? Is it Noah? Did he do something?"

I roll over in bed, constantly hot-headed with her. "No, mom. It's not Noah. Nothing is about Noah!"

My mother sighs, jiggling the handle. "You're an adult, act like one and open the door. You're not

sixteen anymore, you can't cry all day in your room and hate everyone."

I can feel my mother growing impatient. "Please just leave me alone. Please go."

"Rae, open this door right—"

"I'm not letting you in, so just leave me," I cry out.

She hits the door. "Fine. Cry. Be glad you're not a Luna because they don't act like this. They aren't

babied by their mother's, they don't lock themselves away. You wouldn't have made even a decent

Luna!"

Her footsteps grow quiet.

* * *

December 29th, 1991

James has agreed to try for another baby in the new year. I am excited for the possibility of a new life,

another chance, but frightened by the possibility of losing another baby to her. She watches over me

like a tyrant, ready to swipe.

Things will be better in the new year, I can feel it. With the new year will come a new diary and it will be

filled with happiness, unlike this one. That will be my promise to myself, to write only of happy things. Text property © Nôvel(D)ra/ma.Org.

Hopefully, the journey of my pregnancy will be written in it, all the wonderful aches, emotions,

sensations—

A sudden knock at my door pulls me away. Expecting it to be my mother, I groan, but it's not.

"Rae? It's Noah. Your mother asked me to come by."

Feeling betrayed and exposed, I shut the diary and panic. "Uh—What?"

"She asked if I would talk to you. She said you're upset," he says through the door.

I swiftly shove the diary under my bed and sit up amongst my pillows, not knowing what to do. "Well,

right now's not a good time. I'm actually—"

"She said it's about your mate. I thought maybe I could help."

I bite my tongue before climbing off of my bed and opening the door. Noah hesitates before coming in,

not knowing if he should cross the line into my private place. He stares for a moment at my bed, my

messy sheets and thrown pillows forming a mountain range. I clear my throat, keeping the door open.

"I don't know what she told you, but nothing happened with my mate."

Noah turns to me. "You don't have to lie to me, Rae. It's not like I'm above you. My mates dead,

remember?"

"I'm not lying."

He gives me a look, and I'm sure I've never seen it before. "Why are you scared of people knowing the

truth? So what, you and you're Mate didn't work out, what's the big deal? No one is going to judge you,

not here, not me."

"It's not like that. It's not that simple."

"Then explain so I can understand."

I cross my arms and lean against the wall. "I can't. Some things just can't be said."

"Then tell me the things that can be."

I sit down with Noah on the edge of my bed, oddly similar to how James and I were. He listens closely

as I share what I can. "He didn't want a Mate. His father told him never to accept one, so when I came

along, he was cold to me. He hardly spoke to me. He said rude things when he did. He was with this

other girl when I was in the house at night. It was just terrible, and I thought that I could never forgive

him, but I tried to. We had a few progressive conversations, and I was willing to try with him. I wanted

to trust him after he's lied to me," I explain, "but I found out he's lied again."

Noah sighs. "It sounds like a cycle to me. He's just going to keep lying to you, Rae. And even after all

he's done before, you still wanted to be with him? You never tried to reject him?"

"I couldn't bring myself to reject him," I lie. "He just—he sucks me back in. It's the bond, it's his face, his

voice, everything. When we're apart, it hurts. All I want is to see him."

"It's because of the bond, because you haven't broken it. You have to reject him."

My eyes wander down to my hands as they sit on my lap. "I know, but I don't want to. Is that bad? Does

that make me weak? Pathetic? Am I pathetic? Some part of me believes in him, that he wants the best

for me. What if he's just making mistakes to protect me? What if the lies are for my own good?"

Noah shakes his head. "Relationships aren't built off of lies. How could you trust him? You couldn't. You

deserve better than that."

I stay quiet.

Noah reaches out and takes my hand in his, and it doesn't feel right. I know it's not right because he's

not trying to be my friend.

I look up at him when he moves closer, not sure what he's trying to do. When his foreign lips abruptly

touch mine, I pull back. My eyes stray away from his flushed face, and I immediately stand up from my

bed, stepping to the side. "Uh—I don't. I don't think you—"

"Rae, I—"

"We're friends, Noah," I say firmly. "That's what I first told you. I can't be with someone else—"

"I know," he cuts me off, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I crossed the line. I just—I'm good for

you, Rae. And from what you've told me, he's not. You deserve better than him."

Overwhelmed, I struggle to speak. "I-I think you should go."

"Who is he? Who is this guy? Why can't you see that he's toxic? You're a good person. You deserve

someone good in return."

"Noah, you should go."

"You have to reject him."

Annoyed, I spill, "I can't reject him, okay? I can't reject him."

"Why not? You're only holding yourself back."

"Because he's an Alpha, Noah. I can't reject an Alpha."

Noah's face shifts to something blank. "What?"

"My Mate is an Alpha."

There is a moment of silence between us before I notice something of a smile appearing on his face.

Confused, I don't know what to say. Then the smile grows and his entire appearance reeks of

amusement. "Come on, Rae. You don't have to lie just because you don't wanna reject him."

All my insides seem to fall. "What?"

"You don't have to lie that you're mated to an Alpha, okay? I can understand if you don't want to reject

him."

"I-I'm not lying. It's Alpha Grant."

Noah pulls a sad face to cover his threatening laughs. "I told you, you can be honest with me. If you're

not ready to end things now, that's fine. You can wait until you're—"

"Get out."

"Oh, Rae, you don't have to get defensive."

"Noah, get the hell out of my house."

Now he seems to snap back to life. "Woah. I didn't mean to upset you."

"Upset me? What? Am I not pretty enough to be mated to an Alpha? It's so unbelievable that it's funny?

You're an ass, Noah. You all are. Alpha or not. Get out of my house and never come here again."

Noah shrinks down and slips out the door. When he looks back, I shut it in his face, hoping to never

see him again. Once his footsteps have faded into nothing, I slide down against my door, feeling terribly

alone in this world.

He was right about James, and I can't help but wonder if he was right about the other thing as well.

Maybe I'm not pretty enough to be mated to an Alpha, but I don't want to be her again, I don't want to

turn into my sixteen-year-old self. I don't want to fear a life alone or get caught in a cycle of lies. I don't

want to cry because James doesn't want me, and Noah finds me just good enough to spend time with,

and my mother thinks I'd make a terrible Luna, and my world seems to be a dead end. I don't want to

cry anymore.

I've been sad for so long. I'm tired of being sad. It's exhausting.

I should have seen this coming with Noah. I know his type, I know what he wants. I was just good

enough to be with, for him. I was the best of a bad situation. My being mated to an Alpha was a joke.

He's one of them, one of those people that I'll never understand.

Noah will find someone else. He's pretty enough, he's charming enough, he knows how to get his foot

in the door. I'm not worried about him, and I'm sure he's not worried about me.

It only takes two minutes for my mother to come knocking at my door, asking why Noah left so soon

without saying a word. I tell her I don't know why he left. I tell her that I think it's because we weren't a

good fit. We wouldn't have made good friends. He was just someone to talk to, someone to share my

secret with. It's safe with him because he doesn't believe it. I'm glad he doesn't believe it now. I hope

he pity's me. Maybe my story is too depressing to share with friends for a good laugh.

James will be here in four days.

Right now I need to focus on that. I need to think about what I'm going to say.