The Wicked Mrs. Gastrell (English version)

We stared at each other for a few seconds before I saw his reaction. The eyes that were once full of sympathy were replaced by shock and awe that eventually became the image of a person whose soul was crushed with heaven and earth. His face turned pale, his palms formed into fists, and his eyes burned in tears.

“What did you say?” he whispered while piercing me with his red eyes.

“We had a child.”

He blinked a few times as if he was still processing what he heard. He bowed and touched his head. When he raised his face to me, I almost fell back because of the strange coldness coming from him. His face was still shaking as he quickly stood up and walked towards me. He gently held my face in his cold hands and asked again in a trembling voice.

“We have a child, Karina?”

I slowly nodded. “Had” is a better term. We had a son, Cholo.”

“W-What?”

I blinked the tears away. “E-Errol. Our little boy’s name is Errol. He’s almost two years old. He’s a very bubbly, very, very bubbly little boy.” I smiled absentmindedly and remembered the face of my deceased son. “And he loves dogs… very much.” My voice broke so I cleared my throat. The tears are already stinging my vision. “He looks so much like you. And here’s the funniest thing, did you know that when he came out, everyone thought his father was a foreigner. He’s so handsome. He got everything from you. He got nothing from me. It’s unfair, right? I’m the one who bore him but then he’ll come out… and then he just comes out as your replica. Anyway, h-he’s so… so… so beautiful. He is only small because I was really lacking in nutrition when I was pregnant. He is so small. Our son is small because you know… lack of food, vitamins. I really want to give birth in a hospital, but I have no money. I was very short at that time so sorry. There was this time too th-” He didn’t let me finish speaking. He pulled me into his arms and hugged me as tight as possible.

“Oh God… Oh God… What have I done? What I have done… I’m sorry, Karina. I’m so sorry, wife.”

And I heard that word again. Someone is saying sorry to me again.

I hate it.

I abhor it.

I loathe it.

I struggled away from him and pointed at my husband’s tearful face.

“Don’t you dare say that word again! I hate it! I fucking hate is so much! I’ve heard enough of it today. I heard it from your mom, from Elizabeth. They are all just sorry to me. What is that? Can they bring back Errol’s life? Can Elizabeth’s sorry bring back the life she took?! Yes, my dear husband. That’s one of the reasons why I came back. It’s not because of you, sorry to disappoint you. It’s because I wanted to see the murderer of our son and crush her. That’s why I was so surprised when I found out that the person who killed our son was related to you. That afternoon… That one fine afternoon, out of nowhere, she… s-she… she ran us over with her expensive car.” I held my chest as it began to tighten. I ran for the wine I had left on the floor and drank from it before turning back to my husband who had a look of shock on his face. “You have been the pawn, Cholo. I used you because you have your connection with the Asturias which I can exploit. Ymir is your friend. I can use you against him. Elizabeth loves you. I needed to have you back to hurt her. I did all of that but damn… Why do I feel like I haven’t done enough?! Why isn’t it enough? Why can’t I be satisfied?! It’s not enough. It’s like I can still do more. I’m lusting over killing them!”

I drained the wine and threw the bottle on the floor. I went to a showcase and grabbed whatever I could get my hands on and threw it on the walls. I shouted at the top of my lungs and ran back in front of Cholo.

“It was only their lives that were ruined! Your son.. My poor baby boy’s life was gone because of them! Do you know what kind of pain I suffer every day from the fact that my son is dead?! That morning, he’s just in my arms, Cholo! He’s drinking my milk while I’m carrying him, smiling at me! But in just a split of a second, he’s gone! That’s when I finally died. I am just a human being without a soul. I became a hollow Cholo all because of the woman you cared so much who happened to kill our child!”

I grabbed my husband’s collar who still didn’t move from standing and was just looking at me dumbfounded, his face wet with tears.

“Now tell me again if I should have mercy on her. Tell me now if she doesn’t deserve the punishment I awarded her.” I know. I can no longer see him because of the tears that are blinding me. “They should thank me because that’s just all I did. No blood was spilled. I didn’t kill any of them. They should be in the heavens because I was able to stop because of you. Because no matter how many times I convinced myself not to feel anything in you, I still fell in love with you. Foolish heart. Stupid brain. How I wished I didn’t ever meet you.”

I pushed him away but he didn’t let me. He pulled me closer and buried his face in my neck. He sniffed and rubbed my back. I felt warm tears on my neck, his arms around my waist. I tried stepping back but he just kept me so close to his body so I just punched him in his chest while crying. I did it twice, thrice, countless times until I had no energy to raise my hand. He did not move. He just hugged me while his tears continued to wet my neck.

“Come on. Hurt me more. That’s not enough. I deserve all of it. Take it on me, Karina… Please.”

I lowered my hand and let myself be trapped in the warmth of his embrace. “No, I won’t ’cause it wouldn’t change a thing,” I whispered. “It’s not your fault. Your son is dead and there’s nothing you can do. Nothing more, Cholo. The one you love the most has killed him and your mom let him get away.”

I felt Cholo’s body stiffen. He stopped rubbing my back and he was like a rock there, unmoving. I took advantage of it and pushed him forcefully. Weakly, I forced myself to sit on the floor and rested my head on the sofa. I closed my eyes and stared at the high ceiling as my tears started running again.

“After I b-bury our son, I visited Elizabeth in the police station only to be told that she will be freed at the command of your own mother.” I just tear up while looking back on that bitter day. “I know she didn’t know that Errol is my son, her grandson, but that is no excuse for her to use her power to shelter a criminal. If it’s not me and Errol in that situation, it’ll be another mother who will lose her sanity. I don’t even know why she did that. I would have accepted it if it was the Asturias because I’m used to them but for your mother to do that, nah… it’s like fate is playing its dirty tricks again . Why of all the people who could help Elizabeth, why her? Why is she his grandmother?”

I sighed and tiredly got up from sitting and moved to the sofa. That’s when I looked at my husband who was just looking at me, crying, his face still wet with tears and there was no trace of the Cholo I knew who was strong and respected as a businessman. He’s just an image of another man who is in utter despair as if his spirit has been pounded into very tiny pieces. His light has died down, obviously having a hard time accepting everything I poured out.

I watched as he slowly approached me, shoulders slumped and knees weak. He stopped a meter before me and moved his hand towards me but he took it back a second before it reached me like he was embarrassed. He slowly sat on the floor with his head down while his hand traveled to my feet. He only managed to touch my toes with his finger.

I shivered at the cold contact. Involuntarily, I pulled my legs back, lifted them up on the sofa and hugged my legs. Cholo just stared at the spot where my feet were resting and looked down again in shame. He didn’t even try to touch me and just stared into nothingness.

“I’m lost for words,” he broke the chilling silence later. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to process this information and my emotions right now. I don’t know what to feel first. I have no place to put my anger but I don’t know how to get it out. I… I’m barely holding on right now.” He clenched his trembling hands and blew out air. He glanced at me briefly before bowing his head again. “I could kill them for this. I will kill them for this,” he said in an unconcealed madness. “As a son, I’ve been so proud of my mother but this… this is the first time that I’ll be able to say how unlucky I am to be her son. I didn’t have the chance to protect you and.. and our son. What’s h-his name again?”Copyright by Nôv/elDrama.Org.

“Errol.”

“Errol,” he repeated as he savored the sound of his son’s name. “I bet he’s a very adorable child.”

“Yeah and a very bubbly kid.”

“He’s handsome too?”

“So much. He’s also very charming.”

“And he looks like me.”

“Carbon copy.”

Cholo broke into a sob. I looked away because of a sudden pinch in my chest.

“Karina, can you forgive me? Can he forgive me? Can our son, Errol, ever forgive his jerk father for failing to protect him?”

I stood up and wiped away the tears.

“I’ve said what I need to say. I’m going.”

He grabbed my wrist and looked up at me, a hint of remorse in his eyes.

“No, don’t leave…” He looked down at my bandaged hand and let go of me like he was being burned. “I’ll drive you wherever you want.”

His eyes were pleading, requesting, begging for me to nod and say yes. I pulled my hand away and took two steps back. Rejection filled his eyes.

“I will leave to you the right to give justice to our son. Continue what I’ve started. My lawyer will coordinate with you.”

I turned around with a feeling I’ve never felt before. That feeling that you know you’ll regret in the end but you do it anyway because it’s the only rational thing left in the world.

“I love you, Karina. Thank you for bearing our child. I promise that I’ll make it right this time. I will never ever abandon you. I’ll be with you forever. I will never… ever give up on us, wife.”

My hand tightened its grip on the hem of my dress. I shut my eyes and before I could even think, I turned back around and ran to Cholo. Kneeling, I hugged him from behind and kissed his head. He grabbed my hand and brought it to his mouth. I immediately let go and ran out of the mansion to my waiting brother who was leaning against the closed car door. He stood up when he saw me.

“Are you done?” he asked in a worried voice. I nodded weakly and smiled sadly at him. He opened his arms to me.

“Then let’s go home.”

I closed our distance to embrace him and cried hard. I felt him kiss my head while he calmed me down.

“You did the right thing,” he assured me.

I nodded and continued weeping.

I know, but I felt like another part of me had died over and over again.