The Mafia’s Wanted Desires

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I just wanted to breathe.

I just wanted to be away from all this, probably hide in a dungeon and lock myself in there away from my problems. That way, all I would have to worry about was staying alive. I wouldn’t have to worry about someone out there getting me. Most times, I wish I could just leave everything behind and run away to a place he would never find me. I would have considered taking my life but then, I didn’t want to die. I want to live. I want to have the job of my dreams, thrive so beautifully, and live my dream life where I had everything I wanted, married to the most charming man on earth, who would move mountains for me to see me happy.

I didn’t want to run like this. I didn’t want to live like a fugitive, who is constantly on the move from something demonic in her past. These days, I find myself asking a lot of rhetorical questions. I found myself wondering what my life would look like if I had stood my ground that night and said no to going out with my friends. Would I have been able to escape this terrible fate? Would I have been able to not get tangled in this mess? What would it have been like if I hadn’t entered that room that night?

Surely, my life wasn’t perfect, but I was okay and I had some peace of mind to hold on to. I couldn’t stop thinking about what it would look like if I hadn’t ventured down this road at all. I was subtly blaming my friends for what went wrong that night. I didn’t know what else to do because if I did not blame them, I would have to confront my innermost thoughts that kept reminding me that all these were my fault.

I didn’t want that.

It was easier to deal with this way.

I pushed my cart forward, looking through the varieties of chocolates on the shelf. I grabbed a handful and dumped them in my cart, then moved forward to the next shelf that housed the chocolate biscuits. After Mr. Jones threw me out of my house. I had nowhere to go. I didn’t want to call Dawn or Ivana. Thankfully, they were out of town on business trips. It was the only reason I could pull this off. I also didn’t want to go to my parent’s because I was too exhausted to keep up with them.

I have been staying at a cozy hotel, paying them every night from my savings, because I didn’t know how long I would be staying there. I had a lot of money saved. I was no pauper. I knew how to manage my income well, so I barely felt the absence of my job in my life. Instead, it felt like a heavy burden was being lifted off me. It felt so good not to do something that has only ever made me sad and extremely worn out, anymore. It was like a breath of fresh air. I knew I couldn’t continue to live on my savings, but it would have to suffice for now.

I wanted to get some air after staying cooped up in my hotel room all week, battling with excessive paranoia of someone watching or following me. It has messed with my mental health so badly that I could barely differentiate between what was real and what wasn’t, anymore.

I tucked my hands into the pockets of my jean shorts and wheeled my cart to the counter so that I could pay for what I bought. The sales assistant at the counter flashed me a warm smile as she began sorting through my things. I smiled stiffly at her, my eyes wandering around the store. I fiddled with the hem of my baggy sweat, feeling my heart thump wildly in my chest and making me feel as though my lungs were starting to hurt and I couldn’t breathe anymore.

I tried to hold it in, dipping my hands into the back of my shorts to fetch my card.

“Oh, don’t worry, ma’am. Your bill has been sorted.” She brushed me off with a smile and I froze, my faux smile wiping off my face and her words gave me a mental whiplash that had me reeling backward.

“What the fuck…” That was the only thing I could bring myself to whisper. Hot tears soon started pooling in my eyes, my lower lip trembling heavily. I grabbed the bag in front of her and dashed out of the store, without waiting for her to utter one more word to me.

How did he know I was here?

How did he find me, again?

Fuck!

I flagged down a cab that took me to the hotel I was staying in. After paying him, I got out of the car, my eyes moving around my surroundings with my heart beating so hard in my chest. I skidded to the entrance like someone was hot on my tail. The guard pulled the door open for me and I stepped in.

“Miss Miller!”

“Miss Miller!”

I blinked, the familiar voice which I had grown accustomed to, snapped me back to reality and I whisked my head in the direction of Thalia, the receptionist. My mouth ran dry and I struggled to hold on to my breath when I finally felt my nerves go lax. I took a deep breath and exhaled, sauntering over to her.

“Good morning, Ms. Miller,” She grinned at me.

“Ashley,” I corrected.

“Anyways, you have a package!” She squealed and I furrowed my brows. She chuckled at the expression of confusion on my face, giving a dismissive wave in the air. She crouched a little and brought a bouquet of red roses, alongside a cute pink paper bag, setting them on the tiled surface.

I licked my dry lips and picked up the bag, dipping my hand into it. The first thing my hand touched was a note. I took it out, bringing it to my face and skimming through the contents with my eyes.

It read;

? ?????? ?????? h?? ???? ??? ???? ?? ????h??? ??? ????. ???h ?? ???h??? ????h?? ??. ???? ????? ???? h??? ?? ? ????????, ????h. ?? ???? ??!

My heart stopped beating and my sight became blurry with tears. My hand gave away the bag in my hands and I screamed, breaking into a run for the elevator and ignoring Thalia’s horrified calls. I was punching the buttons on the elevator, desperate for the doors to open and when it finally did, I dropped to the floor, shaking and sobbing heavily.

I didn’t even know when the elevator stopped working. I managed to push myself off the floor, stepping out of the elevator. The doors closed and I found the door that led to my room through my blurred vision. I swiped my key card on the door with my trembling hands and stepped into the room. I switched on the lights and ambled into the ensuite bathroom, getting under the shower with my clothes on.

The contact of the cold water on my skin had me shivering softly. My legs gave me away and I fell to the floor, bunching my knees up to my chest. I couldn’t cry anymore. I just sat under the shower with its water dripping and staring into space.