The Mafia’s Wanted Desires

ASHLEY

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Was there anything like that in the first place? Pfft. I put it to you that it’s just an illusion. A crappy feeling that takes a lot from you with nothing to show for it. That shit about meeting the one was crap. It was total bullshit. There is no such thing as love and even if there was, all it ever does was take everything away from you, subject you to the mercy of manipulations, and make you do things that you wouldn’t do if you were in your right senses.

It would take, and take from you until there was nothing left other than your broken heart and I could swear that it hurts so much. There was nothing that could compare to the pain it leaves imprinted on your heart. It just basically drains you of the will to live. The will to even want to breathe.

It is such a vain thing to grow helplessly attached to someone, and they promise you that what you have with them is forever until they rip your heart out and smash it right into pieces, crushing it into dust, and leaving you all alone in the cold to deal with the aftermath of the pain.

The pain that makes it so hard to even breathe, that pain that would make you feel as though your heart was shattered into a gazillion pieces. One you couldn’t mold back no matter how hard you tried. That pain heightens every emotion you are feeling, rendering you a walking dead. That makes you want to pull out every hair on your scalp until there is nothing left.

It’s better not to love than to have loved at all because all that would be left, all it would symbolize was a reminder of how much of a fool you were that you thought you were worth loving.

In the last few days, one question that consistently nagged and gnawed at my guts, that made me want to pluck out my own eyes and feed it to myself, was why?

Why did it have to be me? Why did this have to happen to me? Was it some sort of atonement for my sins in my past life? What was it that I did to him that made him treat me this way, that made him bail out on me? On us. On our relationship. I couldn’t discern how easy it was for him to just pack his things and walk out of my life, without giving me a tangible reason for what I did to deserve this.

I couldn’t stop asking myself if there was anything I did wrong somewhere. I was the perfect girlfriend. I did whatever he asked of me. I was supportive. I was submissive and I put him first before anything else. He didn’t even have the decency to break up with me. The fucking bastard cheated on me and fled from the town.

I was distraught. I was struggling to keep my thoughts from running wild. I was struggling to stay sane. It felt like I was slowly losing it. My mental health was completely shitty. My emotions were all over the place, and I was so pathetic that I couldn’t control them. It was beyond me, and somehow, the thought of just drowning was appealing. That way, I won’t have to feel this much pain. It was beyond comprehension for me.

My temples were starting to hurt so badly, due to how hard I have been crying for the past few days. I could barely feel my head. I have been in the tub for the past two hours, staring into space with tears streaming down my face uncontrollably. I brought my hands up to my face and wiped my tears off furiously. I pushed my back, which I initially rested on the edge of the tub, off it, my back sliding down the ceramic object.

My grip on the edge slowly got lax, I lowered my head, and dipped my head into the water, welcoming the serenity the chilling water had to offer. My head was totally off the surface of the water, and my eyes closed. I didn’t make a move to hold my breath. I let loose and allowed myself to relish in its tranquility. One second…

Two seconds…

Three seconds…

“Jesus Christ!!!” The voice sounded so distant, I could barely attribute it to whoever owned it. One minute, I was in the water and the next, I was yanked out of the water and started gasping for breath, struggling to get a hold of it.

“Ashley!! Look at me!”

“Ash!”

“Ashley, look at me. Breathe!”

“Breathe, Ashley. Breathe. Look at me and follow my lead.” She urged, and I struggled to keep my eyes focused on hers. I could make out her glassy eyes through my blurred vision. And then slowly, I was finally able to steady my erratic breathing.

I squeezed my eyes shut and exhaled, scared to open them because I knew I couldn’t handle the look on their faces. I let out a shaky breath, my lips quivering heavily.

“Ashley,” Ivana called, and I averted my gaze off a crying Dawn, my eyes settling on her frame that was squatting beside Dawn, her motherly gaze fixated on me. I didn’t miss the anger it held.

I deserved it.

“What is going on in your head?!” Dawn yelled at me, her voice breaking.

“Were you trying to drown yourself in your bathtub?” She scoffed, hiccuping, fury flashing in her eyes.

“What is going on with you, Ash? Why are you hell-bent on shutting us out of your life? Do you even know how worried your mom has been? She came here yesterday and said you wouldn’t open the door to let her in. Whatever it is that is going on with you isn’t worth you taking your life. That’s just pure selfishness!” Ivana fired at me. She was angry and wanted me to know how mad she was at me.

“Did you even think this through? Did you think about what it’s going to do to us? You are our friend, but I don’t think we are yours because if we were, you wouldn’t do this to us.” Dawn sniffed and got up from where she was squatting, storming out of the bathroom and slamming the door shut with a loud bang.

It was just me and Ivana now.

I couldn’t even look at her.

“Babygirl,” She called softly, placing her hand over mine. She squeezed them gently, and I turned to her, my heart shattering into pieces all over again at the sight of her glassy amber orbs.

“Talk to me. What’s going on?” She questioned subtly.

“Adam and I broke up. I went to his place a few days ago, so that we could make up and talk things out. He has sold the penthouse and left town.” I explained, trying my hardest not to start tearing up.

“That bastard,” Ivana said through gritted teeth and I sniffed. She brushed her fingers through her hair and pinched the bridge of her nose with her index finger and her thumb.

“Come on, let’s get you out of the water. You don’t want to catch a cold.” She urged me and helped me out of the water, grabbing a towel from the rack and wrapping it around my unclad body.

We left the bathroom and she told me to wait in the bedroom while she got me some clean clothes in my closet. Dawn ignored my entire existence and acted like I was never there in the first place, keeping herself busy with her phone. I shifted over to her side on the bed and she hissed through her teeth.

“No, Ashley. You do not get to touch me.” She warned, but her warnings fell on deaf ears. She didn’t spare so much as a glance in my direction, typing furiously on her phone. A scoff left her lips, and she dropped her phone on the bed, disbelief crossing her features. She stared at me like I was an Alien that had just dropped from the sky. Like she could barely recognize who I was anymore.

“I don’t know this girl, Ashley,” She began, struggling to keep her tears at bay.

“I do not know this girl with cold laughs and half-assed expressions. This withdrawn girl with tons of secrets. This girl who stopped confiding in her best friends and whoever it is, certainly is not my best friend.” She shook her head sideways.

“I don’t know who you are anymore, Ash and it scares the crap out of me that you would rather hurt so badly than share whatever it is that is going on with you,”

“We are supposed to be best friends, Ashley. You shouldn’t have to go through this alone. You shouldn’t have to do this on your own but you chose that and you have to live with it.” She exhaled, picking up her phone like she didn’t just pour out her mind.

The pain in her tone was unmistakable and it only made me teary-eyed. I loved my friends so much and I hated hurting them. I hate putting them through this. It was never my intention. I tried to touch her but she recoiled from my touch as it disgusted her, breaking my heart, even more.

“I’m so sorry that I keep hurting you and Ivana. I don’t deserve you, girls. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for putting you through so much pain. I’m so sorry for being a crappy friend.” I broke down into tears and choked out a sob. She pulled me into a hug, her shoulders quaking heavily with loud sobs exiting her lips.

“Stop shutting us out, Ashley. We are best friends. We are here for you no matter how hard it gets. No matter how tough the going gets. We are not leaving, Ashley and you should understand that. I just want my best friend back.” She cried in my arms, and I let out a strangled sob, soaking her shirt with my tears.

I was so tired. I didn’t want to hide anything from them anymore. I wanted to tell them the whole truth, but the words were stuck in my throat with no idea how I was going to convey them. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything to her, no matter how hard I tried.

“I heard everything you told Ivana. I’m so sorry, Ash. I’m so sorry about everything. He didn’t deserve you. Not in any way.” She sobbed, her arms gliding back and forth on my back in a soothing manner.

“I hate him so much.”

“I hate him so much.”

“I can’t even face my mom without remembering how she warned me a lot about him. I chose not to listen to her. I chose to be blind to his faults. I settled for less, Dawn. I fucking settled!” I cried.

“He hit me, Dawn. That was the reason I ran away from his place. He hit me. I couldn’t stay. I had to run.” My body shook terribly in her arms as she consoled me.

I felt Ivana’s weight on the bed as she scooted over to us, wrapping her arms around us.

“Why didn’t you tell us, Ash? You didn’t trust us?” Ivana queried, her tone soft. I sniffed, unlocking myself from Dawn’s soft grip. I couldn’t keep up with the way they stared at me for answers. I blinked, and exhaled, looking down at my fingers.

“I didn’t know how to tell you guys, and judging by the way you guys hated him. I guess I was avoiding an ‘ I told you so’ ” I shrugged, casually, a bitter chuckle leaving my lips.

Dawn was sporting a look of disbelief on her face and Ivana looked hurt.

“Ash!” Dawn threw her hands up in the air in exasperation.

“Why would you even think that? Is that how low you think of us? I know I can be a bitch sometimes, but I would never say that to you. It’s so insensitive. No, I’ll rephrase. We will never say that to you. God, do you not trust us?” Her voice was drawn to a whisper, thick with hurt and exasperation, breaking bit by bit.

“God, I can’t believe you,” She whispered, squinting her teary eyes at me. My heart broke at the sight. Ivana’s warm hands on mine brought me back to reality.

“We would never trivialize your pain. Do you hear me?” Ivana asked, her voice stern. I bobbed my head in response and sent her a tight-lipped smile. We did a group hug, and stayed that way for a while, with me feeling lighter.

I didn’t deserve them, but I am glad I have them in my life.