Surrender Your Sensations

It was the day of my executive check-up. I didn’t attend any of my classes today and Tita Bernadeth would meet me at the hospital. I was wearing a simple button down black crop top and wide-legged pants. My long hair was falling freely behind my shoulders and there was a light pink tint on my lips to hide the paleness.

I heaved a deep sigh and cleared my thoughts.

Not yet, Meredith Kaye Santiago. Stop overthinking, I told myself, trying to control the depressive mood I was feeling the moment I opened my eyes today.

After staring at myself in front of the mirror for a few minutes, I just moved when I heard my phone ring. I took my handbag and scooped it in my shoulder before I picked up the ringing phone from the top of my desk.

I smiled when I saw Bailey’s name on the caller’s ID.

“Hey,” I tried to sound lively but failed miserably. And my best friend seems to have noticed that.

She sighed on the other line.

| I know you’re scared and nervous. Do you want to go with me? We haven’t seen each other for quite some time, Edith. |

“I’m okay. I’ve been doing this for two years. There’s no reason for me to be nervous or scared.” It’s like I said that to myself more than Bailey. But that somehow lessened my depressive thoughts and negativity. “I’m with Aunt Bernadeth. You don’t have to worry about me, Bailey.”

| Are you avoiding me, Meredith? |

I was stunned by that sudden question. I tightened my grip on the phone before taking a deep breath. “No, Bailey. I was just keeping my distance for a while to give you time to heal. I know I hurt you.” I bit my bottom lip upon remembering the last time we saw each other. Yes. Let’s say things got settled quickly because I directly said my stand about how she felt for me.

But still, I felt guilty for not reciprocating her feelings and maybe… breaking her heart. The last thing I wanted to do was for Bailey to get hurt but I always ended up causing her pain.

| Stop keeping your distance. I didn’t ask for that. I’m not happy anymore, Meredith. |

“But Bailey …”

| Enough with jumping to conclusions. Yes. It hurts that we can’t happen, that you can’t return my feelings. But it hurts more to lose my best friend. I don’t need time to heal away from you. For me, it’s easier to be okay when we’re together. Do you understand? |

I smiled and even though she couldn’t see me, I nodded. “I miss you, Bailey,” I confessed as I headed for the door of my dorm room. I exited my room as Bailey scolded me for not calling her when I missed her already.

For a moment I forgot the nervousness and fear I felt over Bailey’s reminder to me – we should meet after my check-up and she required me to show the results of my tests. I automatically agreed because I trust her and I think I would be needing her to be with me to deal with the results of my medical results.

I was maybe a debater but Bailey was someone I couldn’t beat when it comes to her reasons.

| Are you sure you’re going to the hospital alone? Do you want me to pick you up? |

“I’m fine. You’re really weird.” I was walking down the stairs to the lobby of my dorm building when I was halted on my tracks. I was stunned to see him at the end of the staircase, rooted on his spot while looking up at me. His familiar build and his naturally disheveled brown hair as well as his usual get-up of tattered jeans and shirt, made me recognize him. “I can handle myself. You don’t have to worry.”

| Stop saying you’re okay. I can hear it in your voice and I can feel it. You’re not feeling good, Meredith. |

I stared at the blurry face of Rupert standing at the end of the stairs as I descended into the lobby. I tightened my grip on my phone against my ear as my heart started racing because of nervousness and fear. Why was he here?

The moment I opened my eyes earlier, I instantly felt it- today was going to be heartbreaking for me- my gut feel was telling me that bad news was about to come my way.

| Meredith, be honest to me. How are you feeling today? |

I took a deep breath before being forced to smile. When I reached the end of the staircase, when I was finally standing in front of Rupert, that’s when I answered Bailey’s question in all honesty, “I’m scared.”

I moved a step closer to Rupert until the end of my shoes touched his. That’s when I saw his face clearly. His eyes widened and I felt him stiffened in front of me.

“I’m scared. I’m so scared.” My eyes became blurry due to tears that were threatening to fall. “What if my test results aren’t good? What if my cancer comes back? Why do I feel like I’m going to be in so much pain today?”

| I’ll see you in the hospital, Meredith. You’re leaving, aren’t you? Let’s meet at the hospital. I’ll be with you so don’t be afraid. |

With that, Bailey ended the call. My hand holding the phone immediately fell to my side before bowing down. I didn’t know why I wanted Rupert to hear that- why I needed him to know my fear.

“Meredith Kaye.”Published by Nôv'elD/rama.Org.

“I have to go,” I replied weakly to him before I was about to pass to him. But I felt his hands touch both my arms to stop me from walking away.

“Do you want me to come with you?”

I looked up at him again. Our gazes met. The pad of his thumbs caressed my shoulders, softly. Like he was trying to ease my worry which I didn’t bother to hide. For sure, it was well-written all over my face.

“You didn’t get in touch with me all day yesterday then all of a sudden you’re going to show up here today?” I didn’t hide the sarcasm in my voice.

After having sex in an unfinished and abandoned house- after giving me a pair of earrings- he was suddenly gone yesterday after taking me home.

He suddenly became cold to me after that day and yesterday. I was not able to see or talk to him. So I was surprised that he was here and even more surprising that he asked me that last question.

“What exactly are you doing here, Rupert? Didn’t you say you have a lab exam today? Why are you here?”

He took a deep breath before suddenly hugging me. His arms wrapped around the small of my waist and pulled me for a bear hug. I tried to push him but he hugged me tighter.

“Rupert, what the heck?” I noticed other dormers passing by the lobby and staring into our embrace. “I have a very special sched today. So if-”

“Are you still scared?”

I was halted from pushing him away because of his question. I blinked repeatedly before my stiff body relaxed. I voluntarily buried my face in his shoulder and closed my eyes.

Mysteriously, I forgot about my fear. Instead, I became more focused on this guy. I was more pissed at Rupert for not seeing nor contacting me yesterday.

“I’m more annoyed with you than being afraid.” I giggled, realizing how Rupert could affect me.

This is really bad. This rockstar made it into my system now.

I hugged him back and we stayed like that for a while, until my breathing steadied and my worries subsided.

“Should I come with you? If you need me there, I can make an excuse to take a special exam,” he said after parting with a hug from me.

I frowned before patting his forehead. “Tell me first, why are you here?”

He was stunned and immediately scratched his neck. He even faked a cough before answering my question, “To ask an apology for not seeing you yesterday. I was… I was annoyed at you.” Then he averted his eyes from me.

I frowned and then slapped his arm. “Annoyed? At me?” I huffed an irritated sigh. “I don’t understand. Why are you annoyed at me? What did I do? I can’t believe you are annoyed with me after you suddenly disappeared for two days. And by the way, I am annoyed now.”

He sighed. “You hurt me.”

I raised an eyebrow before I crossed my arms over my chest. “Hurt you? Excuse me? You’re the one who suddenly ignored me after I made you come.” I didn’t bother to censor my words.

He pursed his lips before bowing down his head as if he was a child being scolded. “Yeah. You made me come. It was really great. But you hurt me,” he said, heaving a deep sigh and then raising his gaze at me again. I didn’t really understand what he was trying to say. He immediately shook his head when I was ready to answer the nonsense he said. “I’ll go with you today. So tell the person you were talking with earlier that you don’t need his company anymore because I’m with you.”

“Hey! I don’t agree with you yet!”

“What? I am the one who should be accompanying you if it’s not for my microbio suddenly scheduling an exam.”

“Are you crazy! You’re really ditching your exam for me?”

He didn’t mind my reaction. He frowned at me. “Why aren’t you wearing the earrings I gave you? Then you’re talking to someone on the phone in the morning, Meredith. What if you fell down the stairs earlier because you were talking to someone on the phone instead of focusing your attention on walking,” he said like a father as we headed to the parking lot behind my dorm.

“You’re at the end of the stairs. So, if I fall, someone will surely catch me.” My words came out before I even thought about it.

He stopped dragging my arm and then immediately turned to me. I gave him a shrug and he squinted his eyes.

Why the heck did I say that to him?

“Are you falling then?” Then he pulled my arm slightly until the distance between us was less than a foot.

I blinked several times at the same time as my heartbeat suddenly increased. Why was he asking me that?

“Huh?”

“I can’t catch you if you won’t fall, Meredith. I want you to keep that in mind. Clear?” He tucked a loose strand of my hair behind my ear before he smiled at me. He let go of my hand only to cup my face with both of his hands. He leaned forward until his lips were hovering over mine.

I stared at his lips- how both sides of it were turned upward and yet I could feel Rupert’s hesitation- and uncertainty.

“Let’s go.” He grinned before he kissed my frowning forehead. “I’ll be with you so you won’t be afraid.” Then, he squeezed my face in between his palms. “I’ll be with you so I can make up for a whole day we didn’t meet yesterday.”

I removed his hands from my cheeks then slapped his arm just as he was about to pull me again. “How about your exam?”

“I’ll come with you so you can sleep in my unit later.” He moved his eyebrows up and down while a grin was on his lips. He offered his hand to me, afterwards.

“Rupert! You can’t come with me! You have to take the exam!”

“You need me now so I’ll be with you.” He winked at me before turning around and taking the lead.

“Rupert!”