Surrender Your Sensations

Friday came and I haven’t heard about Rupert. We were in the same university but we never crossed paths. Bailey didn’t tell me about him either and I wouldn’t ask.

I still have dignity left. He was the one who wronged me, so I didn’t have any reason to look for him. Also, I was the one who wanted the one-time-big-time thingy. If it’s already done between the two of us, then, it’s in my favor.

I sighed before staring at my reflection in the mirror. “Is it really okay with me?” I couldn’t believe I wanted to see Rupert while being angry at him. “Is that in my favor?”

I couldn’t believe I was inside a bathroom, talking to myself in front of the mirror, because of the bad Rockstar who took my virginity, asked me to spend more nights with him, but not man enough to stand up for his words.

And was I really now asking for him to be true to his words? “You’re starting to get crazy, Meredith Kaye.” Annoyed, I hit the mirror in front of me before expelling a heavy breath.

This bad Rockstar was really driving me crazy. I had to get my mind straight. This is not me. Inhale. Exhale. I need to remove him from my mind. I’m so done.

I ran my fingers through my long hair before while staring at myself in the mirror. Forget Rupert. Yes. I need to try to forget him.

After fixing my hair into a high ponytail, I adjusted my puffed-sleeved sky blue dress. When I was already satisfied with my look, that’s when I decided to exit the bathroom.

“Hey. You’re the girl,” I raised an eyebrow at the woman who just entered the bathroom, “who was with Rupert in the cafeteria, right?” The brown-haired girl grinned at me. She’s wearing denim shorts and a fitted shirt. Her face was covered with a full glam make-up that irritates my eyes.

“Excuse me?”

“The girl from the cafeteria with my man,” she added.

With her man?

My mouth dropped open when I remembered the last time I saw Rupert. Was she the girl from that day? “Are you his girlfriend?” I asked, imitating her irritating bitchy tone.

“What do you think? Rupert left you for me, right?”

My cheeks flustered because of the intense annoyance I felt. My jaw clenched and my hands turned into fists. What the hell? Don’t tell me Rupert was hooking with other girls while in a relationship? Did he just make me his mistress?

And what about his greatest love, Ava?

“Stay away from Rupert. I haven’t made a scandal in the past,” she passed through me; she even bumped her shoulders on mine, “the next time I see you with him, I’ll make you regret it. Rupert is mine.”

My body began to tremble because of the anger that was slowly intensifying. It’s not like Rupert and I were in any kind of relationship, but really? He had sex with me while he got a girlfriend. Fuck him.

I would have ignored this woman because right now, I had nothing else to do but find Rupert and slap him. But I snapped at the way she pertained to me.

“Stay away from him, slut.”

“What did you say?” I was never the type of person who would create drama in a bathroom but I was the kind who didn’t accept any kind of insult to be thrown at me.

“What?” She did not hide her mocking tone. “You’re just a slut and Rupert is so done with you. So, don’t expect-”

“Do you know about sensual play?” I asked her, cutting whatever shit she was about to say.

“W-What?”

I smiled. “Rupert wants to do it with sensual play. He will tease you with a blindfold on your eyes and pump in and out of you in the absence of your eyesight.” I flipped my hair and finally exited the bathroom, leaving her with that confused and stunned expression. That’s when I know she’s not the girlfriend.

Now, I was sure as hell. Rupert was really a bad rockstar. He plays and hooks up with every woman he meets. A complete jerk and a total fuckboy.

I could not believe I let myself get tangled with a walking red flag like him.

I wanted to pull all my hair out.

“Hey, Meredith!”

I lost my mind and then looked at the one who called me. I immediately smiled when I saw Aunt Bernadeth, the university’s school nurse and my father’s first love. I was close with her and she became my mother’s friend too.

Well, flash news, exes could be great friends after both of them moved on with their lives separately; no bitter feelings or words left unsaid.

I smiled at her as she approached me. She’s wearing her uniform as the university’s nurse, white top and pants. She’s the same age as my dad, around late forties, but she’s youthful with that very petite body frame. Her usual curly shoulder-length hair was put in a tight bun.

“I’m so glad to really see you again back this school year,” she said before touching both my shoulders. “Everything is going well for your re-admission in this school, right?”

Not really. Because of Rupert, I feel like this academic year would be about to get ruined.

“Yes. Uhmn, I think I am adjusting well enough. My grades are also good and I think I am handling my academics and never-ending requirements just right ,” I joked, successfully hiding the fact that Rupert was fucking my mind even though we haven’t seen each other for ages.

Aunt Bernadeth stared at me for a moment before she touched my right arm. She leaned closer and showed me her frowning face. “Don’t fool me, my dear Meredith. Something is up. Your eyes are telling me.” Then, she winked at me, tightening her grip on my arm. “I promised your late mother to take care of you. Tell me about it?”

I sighed and then nodded. What she said was true. After my mother died, she made sure to stay with me and guide me like a real mother should do. She promised that to my mother before she died. That’s why she’s here, considering me as her third child.

She was also there when I fought my cancer and she knew everything about me, including about my prosopagnosia.

Aunt Bernadeth took me to the school clinic. I immediately sat on one of the beds while she pulled out a stool and sat across from me.

“Don’t judge me, auntie. I did something bad,” I began in a low voice. I could feel my hands fidgety as I felt her intense stare at me. This was so awkward. But I knew I need someone to talk to; someone who could give me sane advice.

“Something bad? Don’t tell me you skipped a check-up?”

“Of course not. I am regularly attending it,” I insisted before looking up at her.

She inched her face closer and then tapped my fidgeting hands on my lap. “Good then. As long as you’re taking care of yourself, I won’t get angry with you.”

I chuckled. This was one of the reasons why I became close to Aunt Bernadeth; she’s cool and easy to be with. She always made me feel that I was free to talk to her about anything.

“This is code blue,” I said. Her forehead furrowed and she looked at me seriously. I heave a deep sigh. “This is about a boy.”

“A boy?”

I was thrown into the air by her shocked reaction. Was it really surprising for someone like me to talk about boys?

“Take a deep breath first, Auntie.” After having a deep sigh, I calmly told her the next words, “I am no longer a virgin.”

“W-What?”

“I am not a virgin anymore. Last Sunday, someone got the v-card and had me all night.” I didn’t know where my direct words were coming from. I was not even stuttering even though my heart was beating so hard and my mind was in a great turmoil. My cheeks were burning too. “It was so great. He ended up affecting me more than I allowed him to. But I found out he was a bit polygamous.”

“A bit polygamous?” The sarcasm in Auntie Bernadeth’s voice made me wince.

“His sex life is active. He’s a womanizer.”

“And?”

“I want this to end. I don’t want to be a fool to a man like him. I was supposed to be only there for a one-night stand and then after that, I would not meet him again. But I think I get attached to him more than I should allow myself.” I slapped my own forehead out of frustration. I could not believe I was confessing all of this to Aunt Bernadeth. “I should stop this, right?”

“Yes. He is bad news.”

I nodded at Tita’s answer. That’s right. Rupert was nothing but trouble. He was the kind of guy who would only hurt me. He was broken with a hollow heart after losing his greatest love- turned to become a womanizer with no feelings at all, playing with girls like a past time.

“But if you’re happy with him.” Aunt Bernadeth held my hands tighter, “If you want to get to know him better and if you want to test your limitations in terms of love and relationships-”

“I’m not in love with him. I just think I am attached more than-”Content rights by NôvelDr//ama.Org.

“Try it, Meredith.”

My mouth fell open. I blinked a few times while looking at her in disbelief. “Try?”

“He’s walking bad news, okay? But he can also become your unexpected risk that is worthy to take.” Tita Bernadeth smiled at me and then caressed my hand like a real mother does. “There’s no greater teacher than adversity, Meredith. Turn this adversity into something worthy.”

“But … We’re only there for you know… only for sexual relationship.” Those sentences came out as a whisper. It stings to my chest to admit that. My attachment towards Rupert could only be because of lust and here I was fussing over it.

“So? You’re at the right age to do those things. As long as the two of you are aware of the label, it’s good. As long as you know your limitations and you’re ready to face the consequences of your actions , I’ll let you decide and will not meddle with you.” Aunt Meredith raised her hand and cupped my cheek. She smiled at me with so much understanding. “I will not meddle with your choices because you’re at the right age to know what to do with your life.”

“You’re really an extraordinary guardian,” I pointed out and she laughed.

I thought she would scold me for what had happened to Rupert and me. I thought she was going to make me look like I had done the wrong thing. But she actually advised me to turn adversity into something worthy.

“You’re at the right age to do what you want, the things you think will make you happy and learn from your experiences. Just know your limits,” Aunt Bernadeth tapped my cheek before standing up, “don’t lose yourself. ”

She then went to her desk and took something from the drawer. When she turned to me again, she asked for my hand. And when I held out my hand, she placed a box there and my eyes widened when I saw the logo of the product. It’s a box of condoms.

“Aunt Bernadeth!”

She laughed at my reaction and then went back to her desk. She sat there, leaned on her swivel chair and turned it around like a child. “Having multiple sexual partners or promiscuity is a risk factor to get infected with STD and HIV, Meredith. It’s better to have an exclusive set-up with your guy and to have protected sex.” She then averted her gaze at the box of condoms she had given me. “It’s free. Tell that man to always use a condom and of course stop jumping from one bed to another. Stop inserting his dick to different vaginas.”

“Auntie!” My cheeks warmed at the words she used.

She just laughed at me and really enjoyed my embarrassed reaction. “Now, you’re staring at the condoms,” she pointed out, making my cheeks redden even more. “Don’t tell me your imagination is wandering somewhere hot and sexy now?”

I immediately looked up at Auntie Bernadette and the box of condoms almost slipped from my hand. “Parents will be scandaloused if you will be the one to provide sex education to their children,” I teased her to divert the topic.

“Sex education my ass. Parents themselves keep their children from ‘sex’ even when they are at the right age to know about it.” Her attention returned to the chart she was reading. “Because of that, many children are exploited without them being aware.”

I bit the insides of my cheek and looked at my second mother with understanding. Her daughter, Mizpah, was a victim of sexual harassment at a very young age… without Mizpah knowing it was already sexual harassment. Ever since then, Aunt Bernadeth advocates sex education once the child is on the right age to understand the concepts about it.

“Don’t blame yourself about it, Auntie,” I told her knowingly before I got up from the bed I was sitting on and packed my bag. Even against my will, I put the box of condoms in my bag. “This size fits him,” I added to change the subject. I could feel my cheeks burning in embarrassment.

“Large is his size?” As expected, Tita immediately got my attempt to lighten the atmosphere again. “You have a nice type, Meredith. Sex is better when he’s big.”

“Auntie!” I laughed and then went to her. I hugged her from behind and she simply tapped my elbow. “I can’t handle you and everything you are saying now. Anyway, I have to go. I have class already.”

“Okay. Be careful and stay healthy. See you around, Meredith.”

I kissed her temple before leaving. I was about to leave the clinic when Aunt Bernadeth called me again. I turned to her.

Her face was blurry but I could feel her serious aura.

“Be careful,” she said. “Be careful with falling in love.”

I was stunned and my grip on the doorknob tightened.

“Love is scary especially if you’re the one who is giving more love. Don’t consume yourself for someone who is not ready for commitment.”

It took me a few seconds to respond. I smiled and nodded. “Who says I intend to fall in love? I don’t want to. I am also someone who is not ready for love… and commitment.”

She shrugged at what I said. “You said it, Meredith- you want to live. Then, live happily.”