Mermaid’s Lust

Kevin’s POV

Today is my hundredth day away from Nina. My life has been very busy for one hundred days.

I can’t forget Nina, and I want to try to paralyze myself with my work, so I took 82 jobs in one month. I went to the bar to sing, tried to be a radio host on a TV station, filmed movies, and recorded variety shows. In all kinds of jobs, I often suddenly think of Nina for a moment, thinking of what sweet memories we had before!

I regret it, I regret the days that might be together. I regret running and screaming. I regret being scared. I regret letting her go. I regret not understanding her. I regret the day that I was a fool. I regret the day I left her. I left her because I was afraid. Even if I couldn’t see it back then. Couldn’t see past my own fears of intimacy and commitment.

I often wonder if I did the right thing. Was leaving her ever a choice I should have considered? Was leaving ever worth the pain that I caused? At the time, the impact of my actions and the destruction that I left far outweighed the guilt and remorse I didn’t feel.

But now I see it perfectly clear, what fear really means. Fear is the ultimate destroyer of connection because it makes one doubt the very foundations of a relationship. It places seeds of hesitation in my mind that make me incapable of committing to perfectly stable and healthy relationships even if I wanted to. And I let it dictate my life as well how I treated others, inevitably cutting connections with people who I cared the most about.

In doing some self-reflection, I have realized that being with her was the happiest I’ve ever been. I’ve also realized, in hindsight, that she has checked off all the boxes I could want in a person. She was the same as me, with the same quirky features and similar aspirations that we always dreamed of achieving together. And I lost that because I wasn’t ready and because I let fear govern my thoughts and my actions. I wasn’t ready to give her everything when she had given me her all.

I regret leaving and especially the pain that ensued. I regret the damage that I’ve done to the life of another. I wonder what she will have to tell her future husband and what story she will have to conjure up when they ask her about the first love of her life. How a seemingly well put together boy left her heartbroken and miserable. There’s no apologies that I can make for the damage that I’ve left, and there’s no denying or excuses that this is all on me.

I would like to say sorry to her. For running, for never apologizing until it was too late, and for making her feel like it was her fault and that she was the one to blame. It was never her problem alone. We were a team, so we should have worked through the problems together and tackled each obstacle together, because that’s how a relationship works. I knew that she deserved better. I now know that I ran because I was afraid. And I couldn’t face what I had done either. I couldn’t face the possibility that I destroyed another human being and I left him spiralling down a hole of self-hatred and self-pity.

But the blame was never on her. And I still can’t believe I let her slip right through my fingertips. I had a girl that wanted me and only me. I had a girl that cherished every second we spent together. I had a girl who saw me as the most handsome boy in the world. I lost the one good, might be a relationship, in my life and I didn’t fight for it back. Instead, I cowardly ran.

So if I could tell her now, this is me apologizing for the damage. This is me apologizing for the tears I caused to her. This is the regret and guilt I never felt coming back to haunt me. This is looking back at the happiest times of my life and realizing that if I had just tried to overcome my own problems, if I just put a little effort in, our relationship would have flourished and we would have been happy.

If I could hold her in my arms for a day, I would. If I could tell her all my fears and sorrows, I would. I would tell her every little bit of explanation she needed until she felt like she had an answer. So she wouldn’t be left so confused and tumbling down a self-destructive path.

To this day, I’m still thinking of her. I hope wherever she is that she is happy, because she damn well deserves all the happiness in the world.

And now, everything is impossible. I’ve already hurt her inside, now I can only secretly look at our photos in the middle of the night. Sneaking out on Nina from others.

I know that it was my fault that we are not together, and from the bottom of my heart, I really feel sorry about that.

I am so sorry that I hurt her and that I hurt myself. I feel bad that it took me this long to take accountability for my behavior because I finally realize that she deserved better. I pushed her away, and I didn’t try as hard as I could to make it work between us. I hardly tried at all, firmly situated in defense-mode. I feel bad, but I can’t wish I did things differently because making that mistake taught me a lesson that I needed to learn, even if that comprehension comes more than months later.

I actually try to practice objectivity often, putting myself in someone else’s shoes, or at least trying to, so that I can exercise empathy for experiences outside of my own. But no matter how much I practice, there are some things I can only grasp in its entirety when it plays out in front of my eyes. This lesson came for me during a recent exchange. I witnessed someone blow up their relationship with a girl who was interested, invested, and honest. But he was not. Same as me.

There are memories that stay locked firmly in my mind of which I am both unable and unwilling to let go of between us. I find myself crawling through them from time to time, remembering what it was like to hold her so close. Like an itch, scratching in the deepest chamber of my heart, thumping out its rhythm across our lives together.

But now, when I twist the knob and feel the heat of the shower, I see her in my memory. She is like a shady cloud of burning ash whispering in my ear. Her face is dark, but simultaneously as bright as the day we met. Infected by my gloom, but still smiling as though all of this will come to pass. I press my lips on hers, and I taste silken darkness, sweetened with bitter dirt. Like a specter out of time, but in my mind I know it’s not her here, with me.

And as I move to grip the doorknob and fondle the lock, I realize the keys are missing from my pocket, and I might never make it back into the shattered heart apartment locked in my chest. I’ll just have to keep crawling back through all of us instead. I am not numb to what I have done, to the pain I have caused. But I hope someday I might hear your key fall into the tumbler lock of our love.

After a long time, I came to a very special restaurant for an online celebrity show. I walked into the dining room, then I saw Nina. But she didn’t see me. She carried the plate, It’s full of juice and champagne. I saw Nina’s agility and quickly delivered it to the guest’s table. Then she picked up the dishes that the guest had eaten and stacked them into a hill.

She took the big stack of dishes without shaking her hands. It was really amazing. I sat quietly in the restaurant and watched her busy work, and my heart was distressed. Later, she came over.

Nina’s POV

Oh, my god! How to do a job that also has a way to encounter an ex-boyfriend! Jesus Christ! I hope he doesn’t recognize me.

Kevin’s POV

She walked up to me quickly and politely asked me what I wanted to eat. Before I spoke, she didn’t recognize me. Until I spoke, she suddenly paused, pretended to be calm and continued to ask me. I ordered a glass of juice and a seafood set meal, and she turned and left directly after listening.

Nina’s POV

I want to calm down, I want to calm down, and I can’t be seen by him. I can’t be recognized by him.

Kevin’s POV

I wanted to come forward and take her hand, but she walked too fast. Moreover, there were too many people in the restaurant, which made me unable to catch up with her. I sat quietly waiting for her to get off work. It was two o’clock in the afternoon, the meal time had passed, and there were few people left in the restaurant. I called Nina to come over, and she walked slowly towards me. I told her how lonely my life was in the past six months and how much I missed her, but she had no waves.

Nina’s POV

He is really a love rat! Why did he regret it when he left me? It’s really annoying to be pretending here now.

When will he leave? I turned to the store manager for help. When the store manager saw my eyes for help, he came over. The store manager thought Kevin was here to smash the store, so he had to call the police when he came up. I pulled the store manager aside and explained the situation to him. After he understood, he went to Kevin. At this time, Kevin looked at me with a stupid face. I told him that the store manager had something to ask for him, and I took the opportunity to punch in and leave.

Kevin’s POV

“What do you want from her?” The store manager went to me and asked me, but I don’t know him!

The store manager came over, and his appearance was not very kind, and his physique was very thick. What if he beat me later?

I was carried to another seat by the store manager, Nina can’t be seen in that position. The store manager said that if I want to keep pestering Nina, I can’t blame his men for being merciless.

He said he was Nina’s current boyfriend. However, I don’t believe it. I want to interrupt the store manager. However, his eyes are super horrible. It seems that he regards me as his enemy and wants to beat me up. I can’t interrupt him, so I have to listen to what he says quietly. Moreover, he has put me on the blacklist of the restaurant, and I am forbidden to come to the restaurant to find Nina in the future.

Nina’s POV

It was a close call. It is good that I have a store manager to help me. Otherwise, I don’t know how long I will be entangled by Kevin. I slowly rowed my boat to Greenland. As soon as I got off the boat, I ran to my pets and talked with them about my daily life. Even if they didn’t understand, it didn’t matter. They always looked at me with a smile and listened to me carefully. Seeing their sweet smiles, I felt good healing in my heart! The stress of the day is gone at this moment.

Around 6 months ago, I experienced the grief and turmoil that came with losing him, and myself too. I was in despair and devastation for weeks, and it took a really long time to process the grief that comes with losing the person you thought would be the love of your life. In all honesty, I have to undoubtedly admit that I don’t think I’m over him yet, but life carries on, and like the old adage goes, time will heal all wounds.

In my experience, grief tends to come in waves. On days like today, the ocean is tumultuous, enough to drown and submerge the sailor in a dark and vast ocean. However, the people who truly love me gave me hope that one day the sea will be calm and peaceful again. Even though residues of the pain may still linger with each ebb and flow of the wave, I can’t wait for the pain to be less intense; I can’t wait to live my life carefree and happy again.

In the evening, the listening brother chased the talking sister on the beach, and they were always fighting for the same piece of fish, while I ate my food and watched their funny activities every day, and the unhappiness of the day disappeared instantly. Sometimes, I wish it never happened. Sometimes, I blame my naivety to some things especially judging a person that I could trust them.

At night, I look at the round moon. Think of when I was a child, My father and mother always watched the starry sky with me. Told me stories about stars, and will also tell me stories about the moon. My mother taught me how to recognize constellations. Look, I’m interested in astronomy.

Dad bought me an astronomical telescope. Let me observe carefully, I also asked some people who are keen on astronomical information to study with me. However, after my parents divorced, I didn’t continue to study astronomy. Instead, I became interested in sightseeing. One month before I became an adult, I received a certificate to be a tour guide, which meant that I could be a tour guide, but who would have expected that to happen later.

Listening to the elder brother and talking sister, I ran tired and fell asleep. I lay on the beach and looked at the stars. I began to count. I fell asleep after counting. This time, I dreamed again.Ccontent © exclusive by Nô/vel(D)ra/ma.Org.