I Am The Luna

“What did you want to say?” she turns to me, not wasting a moment to put the question forward, almost like she can’t bear to be near me.

“You said to me that you would hand me the title of Alpha before you left… why do I feel you’re thinking of leaving soon?” I ask, my voice sounding harsher than I mean it too.

There’s a fear deep inside of me, clawing at me like a monster trying to drag itself out of the pits of hell and grasp on as tight as possible.

I don’t want her to go… even if she doesn’t accept me… I can’t live with myself knowing I am who chased her away.

She sighs softly, but it is one that holds a lot of weight behind it. Like she is exhausted, her reserves depleted, and she has nothing left to give, no time, not patience, no love, nor mercy or forgiveness, I’ve used it all up, and it kills me to know I am the reason for it all.

“Why not stay, even if you don’t want to accept me into your life, at least stay so. the kids can have us both close?” I try, when she doesn’t respond.

“I guess that’s what everyone would want me to do, would expect of me, but is it really that wrong to want to take time for me?” she asks softly, as she turns, her eyes filled with pain that mirrors my own but it’s her words that hit a chord, guilt ripping through me.

“No, it’s not wrong.”

Fuck, I hate this.

–

“Then please… don’t make it any more difficult than it already is,” she whispers, her voice trembling. I close the gap between us and cup her face, feeling the magic of our connection dance along my fingertips.

“Zaia… Fuck. I know… I know I fucked up, and if I could turn back time, I would… can’t we start over? Please, I swear no matter what, I will not make the mistake again.”

But even as those words leave my mouth, I realise I’ve said them before… right when she was at her most vulnerable and promised me to open up to her. No more lies, no more misconception but I didn’t.

“No. I don’t want to do something just because it’s what others want. I want to put myself first for once. I want to heal and learn what I truly want from my life

because I know this is not it. Please, Sebastian, don’t make this harder for me, she whispers, her voice a murmur on the wind.

“Zaia, I fucking love you. I just, I am sorry…” I say, gazing into her amethyst eyes.

“I know and I do love you, but it also hurts far too much.”

I hate seeing her like this. She’s beautiful, but at the same time, she’s vulnerable and hurting.

I had seen the signs, the silent plea for me not to break the promise I made, the warning that if I did, it would break her… but I did, anyway. Even if my heart was in the right place, I did the worst thing I could possibly do to her; betraying her faith that she had put in me once again.

I realise in that moment as she looks at me what I need to do… no matter how hard, or how it’ll break me.

If I truly love her, I need to let her go. If she one day finds it in herself to forgive me, then I will wait for it.

If she is meant to be in my life until the end, she will return to me and if not… then our precious moments will be like a passing season that I will never forget.

“I understand, and I am proud that you are putting yourself first. I’m proud of you Little Fox, I truly am.” I lean down and kiss her forehead softly, closing my eyes as the pain of what is happening settles in.

I love you, with everything I have, but I just didn’t treat you the way I should have and now I will pay the price for it.

I am fucking sorry, even if that word itself is doing nothing but building resentment for myself within me. I messed up and there is no undoing what I did. Those are the words I want to say to her, but… I can’t… I have no right to..

“Thank you… for understanding,” she murmurs, her delicate hands wrapping around my wrist, and I sense the slight weight lifting from her.

Even now… I was nothing but a burden upon her and that is not the relationship I want. Not for her. Not for me.

I move back, blue eyes meeting violet… two separate souls, ready to embark on two separate journeys. Perhaps one day we will meet at another crossroad, and maybe, just maybe, from there, our paths may truly become one. Content protected by Nôv/el(D)rama.Org.