Forbidden Desire

I was afraid of approaching Jane again and making her suffer as I had since we met, but at the same time, there wasn’t a single minute of a single day that I didn’t miss her. I knew that the only thing that could pull me out of the deep hole I was in was her. After some time of thinking, I put the drink aside. In the morning, I got up and took a long shower, shaved my beard that had been growing for several days, and realized I was tidying up a bit more for her. My heart raced every time I thought about seeing the woman I loved, and now, even without knowing how she would react to seeing me, I wanted to try. When I went downstairs, Jinhee was already having breakfast and smiled when she saw me.

“Wow, you look good!”

“Thanks!”

I said simply, and for the first time since Jane left, I felt like eating and started having breakfast.

“Are you taking me to my psychologist appointment today?”

I shook my head, and she looked disappointed.

“No, I’m going to the hospital because Jane has an appointment to find out the baby’s gender today.”

She seemed sad, and once again, guilt washed over me.

“Jason…”

She began, and I was already expecting her to say something to make me feel even worse, as she had been doing frequently, but her question surprised me.Text property © Nôvel(D)ra/ma.Org.

“What was the first thing that caught your attention about her?”

I was confused by her question, but when I saw her curious eyes watching me attentively, I realized it was a genuine question and shrugged.

“I don’t know, she looked at me differently, and I admired how hardworking, talented, and determined she was in pursuing her dreams.”

Before I knew it, I was smiling as I talked about her, and Jinhee seemed sad.

“And I’m just a trophy wife who gave up all her dreams and now depends on you for everything.”

She lowered her head, looking sad, and I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t know she felt that way.

“That’s not what I meant.”

She shrugged before shaking her head.

“It wasn’t you. It’s just that the psychologist said some things that made me think. She asked me what I liked to do, what my biggest dream was, and I simply didn’t know how to answer. Then I remembered how happy I was when I danced, how much I loved singing, and I ended up asking myself why I gave up on that dream.”

She stared at the cup in front of her, looking thoughtful and melancholic, and I didn’t know how to react to that. Ever since she started therapy, she had been asking me questions that made me uncomfortable, and I couldn’t tell if it was doing her good or harm.

“Well, it’s not like it’s too late. You’re still young and can achieve your dream if you want.”

“You think so?”

She lit up for a few seconds, and I nodded, giving her a light smile. I felt responsible for everything that had happened to her, and I was happy to see her so excited.

“Of course, and if you want, I have a friend who works at an agency. Maybe he can help you in some way.”

Before I could finish, she came over and hugged me, almost jumping with joy.

“Jason, I can’t believe it. You’d do that for me?”

I nodded, and she jumped a few times.

“I’ll call him now and arrange a meeting for you.”

She was super excited while I made the call, and soon I had arranged for them to meet for lunch. I felt indebted to her, and even though I knew nothing could make up for the harm I had done, I felt good seeing her so happy. I went to the company, but I couldn’t concentrate on anything; I was just counting the hours until the afternoon. I called the hospital to confirm the appointment time and wondered many times if I should really go, which made me almost late, and I arrived just in time. I confess it hurt a lot to see the woman I loved smiling and holding hands with someone else, but at the same time, seeing her, even from afar, made me feel good. When she noticed I was there and our eyes met, I wanted to grab her and never let go.

I had to use all my willpower not to run to her, and even then, I could barely contain myself. I tried to be firm in my responses, but with her beautiful honey-colored eyes, which seemed so tormented, looking at me, I trembled. She tried to argue that this child wasn’t mine, but if there was one thing she couldn’t do, it was lie; she was transparent, and I knew it was the hurt she felt for me talking. When Hoojin appeared, calling us to find out the baby’s gender, my heart stopped for a few moments, and everything seemed to fade away. For an instant, it felt like it was just her and me staring at each other, even though she was holding hands with someone else.

“Let’s go, Jane!”

He tried to lead her to the examination room, but she just froze, unable to look away from me.

“Wait! He’s the father and has the right to know the baby’s gender.”

She said, looking into my eyes, and even though I couldn’t look away, I knew Jihoon was completely unhappy with that response.

“What? After everything he did, you’re going to let him be part of the exam?”

She nodded, and the way we were looking at each other, it really seemed like there was no one else there because neither of us could break the eye contact.

“Ji, no matter what he did, it doesn’t change the fact that he’s the father of my child. So, if he wants to be part of the exams and the pregnancy, I won’t stop him.”

She finally seemed to force herself to look at him and softened her voice when addressing him.

“I hope you understand.”

He looked at her seriously for a few moments, and they seemed to be having a conversation without saying a word. After some time, he sighed deeply and shrugged.

“If that’s what you want, I won’t oppose.”

She smiled at him, and I saw her caress his hand, making my heart ache. They followed the doctor into the room, and I followed, feeling that I shouldn’t be here since I didn’t seem to have any usefulness there. Jihoon helped her onto the table, held her hand, and even helped her lift her shirt, revealing a small belly that made my eyes fill with tears when I realized my child was growing inside her. Hoojin approached with a smile while spreading gel on Jane’s belly, making her grimace slightly when the gel touched her skin and then smile, making me smile too.

“Wow, that’s cold!”

The doctor started asking some questions about her diet, the vitamins she was taking, and her routine while preparing the equipment. However, when he got to a certain question, the atmosphere in the room became tense.

“When was your last sexual intercourse?”

It hurt too much to imagine her being with someone else when I knew I had been her first. But they had been in a relationship for over a month, so I just lowered my head, waiting for an answer that didn’t come. When I looked up, I saw that Jane’s face was red while she stared at the floor, and Jihoon was looking at me as if expecting me to say something. I stared back at him, confused, while Hoojin looked at me and then at Jihoon, waiting for someone to answer his question. So I shrugged, signaling for Jihoon to answer, and he did the same to me.

“Come on, answer already!”

I stood there completely still for a few seconds, and an involuntary smile appeared on my face when I realized they hadn’t had sex. This meant they weren’t in a relationship, that she still loved me, and if that was true, then we still had a chance.

“It was over a month ago.”

The doctor noted it down in her file and started moving the ultrasound device over Jane’s belly, who still seemed embarrassed.

“Well, sex is recommended as it makes things easier during childbirth, so make sure to have plenty of it, Jane!”

He joked, and Jihoon looked at me firmly.

“Don’t worry, Doctor, we’ll take care of that!”

The confidence with which he said that, looking at Jane, irritated me, and the smile on my face disappeared. But all of that lasted less than a second because when I heard my child’s heartbeat filling the room, I felt as if I had come back to life. Jane started crying with emotion and held Jihoon’s hand, who was just as emotional as she was. To an outsider, it would seem like the child was his since he was so happy that his eyes were filled with tears. I tried not to focus on that and moved closer, standing on Jane’s left side while Jihoon was on the other side.

“Look at that, it seems we have a big and healthy boy!”

He said, smiling, and at that moment, I couldn’t contain myself anymore. I held Jane’s free hand, squeezing it, and smiled when her fingers intertwined with mine.

“A boy? I’m going to have a son?”

Jane looked at me, radiant, and smiled at me so purely that for a second, it seemed like nothing had happened.

“Yes! It’s a boy, and he’s healthy. His heartbeat is normal, and everything seems fine, so as long as you keep taking care of yourself, everything will be okay!”

I felt Jane’s hand caress mine, and when I looked at her, she seemed so happy that my only desire was to hug her and never let go. After some time listening to the doctor’s recommendations, which I wasn’t even paying attention to because it felt like we were in a world of our own where nothing and no one else existed, I seemed to completely immerse myself in an ideal world where I imagined we were together and nothing bad had ever happened

. However, that world vanished the moment we left the examination room and Jihoon grabbed Jane’s waist possessively. I felt all the happiness I had just felt fade away, and it seemed like I was thrown back into that dark hole I had been in for the past few weeks.

When Jihoon noticed that Jane was holding my hand, his smile disappeared, and only then did she seem to realize what she was doing and immediately let go, avoiding my gaze.

“Well, now that we know everything is fine, we can schedule routine appointments once a month.”

Jane nodded, and Jihoon handed her some tissues to clean the gel from her belly. She quickly covered up and got off the examination table.

“Don’t forget to pick up these vitamins at the hospital pharmacy.”

Jihoon took the prescription and nodded.

“Don’t worry, Doctor. I’ll take care of it. Shall we go?”

He said, intertwining his fingers with Jane’s, who couldn’t stop looking at me.

“Let’s go…”

She lowered her head, looking as sad as I felt about leaving. I watched them walk away, step by step, feeling like I was seeing everything in slow motion. The woman I loved so much was walking away, holding hands with another man. When I realized what was happening, I found myself following her. As she approached the bathroom, she seemed to say something to Jihoon, and from what I could understand, he said he would go to the pharmacy while she went to the bathroom. This was my chance, the only one I had to be alone with her for a moment, and I was going to take it. I saw him walk away, and she entered the bathroom. I waited outside, standing still until she came out, and when she saw me standing there, her body seemed to freeze completely.

“Jason… What are you doing here?”

“I just wanted to know how you are. If you’re okay or if there’s even a one percent chance that you’re going as crazy as I am?”