Diary of Fragile Heart (Spin of Loving You Too Long)

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I want to vent again, after holding it in for some time. May I?

Where should I begin this complaint?

I just want to know, until when will these trials keep coming to me? After days of trying to avoid them, why do we have to meet again?

It feels like I’m running in circles. When I think I’ve gone far enough, in the next step, I’m back to the starting point of my journey.

Is this fate? I can’t say it’s fate. Not after the cruel fate separated me from him.

Not after the cruel fate gave me a…

I don’t even want to say it because I don’t want to remember it.

Dear Diary,

I promised that I wouldn’t wait anymore. But seeing him again makes my determination waver. I’m entranced by his smile, and I fall in love because of his laughter.

I’m trapped again, falling into his charm.

I don’t deserve to hope for him. It feels like, to fall in love with him, I don’t deserve it.

Maybe in the past, I dreamed of having him. Loving him for the rest of the life that God gave me. But after that incident, I feel that my right to love him has vanished.

My chance to be with him is gone. Not just for him, but for anyone God destined for me in the future. I feel unworthy.

Dear Diary,ConTEent bel0ngs to Nôv(e)lD/rama(.)Org .

Let me tell you about the prayers I offer every night to Him about him.

I hope he finds happiness, even though I know his happiness is not with me.

I hope he finds the best match from Him, even though I know his soulmate is not me.

No, I don’t know who his soulmate is, but I hope it’s not me.

I hope he has righteous descendants, even though he won’t get them from my womb. Because I know my abilities, I know my chances.

Dear Diary,

In my prayers, I always wish the best for him. May God grant all those wishes. And in return, I also hope for happiness for myself.

Even though my happiness is not attained with him.

***

“Why is Uncle here?” Gladwin turned to look at his niece. Her beautiful face looked melancholic, her cheeks reddened by the hot sun. They were sitting on a bench in the courtyard of the orphanage, right under the tall mango tree.

“Why indeed? Is Uncle not allowed to be here?” Flavia turned, looking back at Gladwin with her golden-brown eyes and shaking her head.

“Not like that. It’s just that I heard today Grandma is organizing a welcome party for Uncle at home,” replied Flavia in her calm tone. Gladwin noticed the movement of the girl’s skirt as she shifted back and forth.

“So, if Grandma is throwing a party, I’m not allowed to be here?” Gladwin asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Not like that,” Flavia replied with a tone of resignation. Gladwin liked hearing the girl in front of him whining. It felt like seeing Flavia ten years ago when she was still a teenager. “I mean, the party is for your welcome. Uncle is the main star; how can the star not be present at his own event?”

Gladwin shrugged casually, leaning back against the wooden chair. “I’m just fulfilling my duty as a doctor. Mom must understand that,” Gladwin replied casually. He tilted his head, choosing to look at the clear sky above. “What about you? Why are you here? Don’t you want to be a disobedient granddaughter for not helping your grandma?”

Flavia gasped, looking at Gladwin with an unbelieving gaze. “How can Uncle talk like that? I’m here to substitute Aunt Adaline. Mom and Dad have given their permission.”

“Ohh… I thought you were here because you were trying to avoid me,” Gladwin said, looking at his niece’s pale face from the corner of his eye.

“Why would you say that?!” The girl asked, stuttering. She dared not look at Gladwin.

“I don’t know, my feelings tell me that you’ve been trying to avoid me,” he replied casually. In fact, Gladwin thought that Flavia had been avoiding him all this time, even though she was trying to do it carefully.

And why did Gladwin come to such conclusions? It’s because, all this time, Flavia had never been willing to do video calls with him. Even when all her family gathered, she didn’t join them when they visited Gladwin in Germany. And when Gladwin returned to America, she never showed up at all.

During the last dinner at her house, she chose to lock herself in her father’s study rather than accompany her siblings in their usual play. There always seemed to be some excuse Flavia made to avoid being in the same room with him. Initially, in the early years of Gladwin’s relocation, he thought Flavia’s absence among her family was due to her busy schedule with scholarships and college. But as time went on, Gladwin couldn’t shake the feeling that she was intentionally avoiding him.

Even today.

Flavia wasn’t a lazy girl. She always helped if her family needed her, like the event her mother organized for his welcome this time. But in reality, she chose not to be there, citing the need to go to the foundation, although Gladwin knew Mrs. Mary was more than capable of handling such activities.

But it wasn’t just that which made Gladwin think. Another reason was, why did he feel annoyed?

Yes. He was annoyed. Very annoyed.

Annoyed because Flavia kept distancing herself from him. But he himself didn’t know why.

When he decided to continue his studies in Germany, everything he did was to avoid that girl. Because, honestly, he felt an inappropriate feeling towards his step-niece who was still a teenager at that time.

He always felt longing when he saw her. He even felt reluctant when, at one point, a friend of her friend visited and openly showed interest in Flavia.

Jealousy? Of course, Gladwin knew that feeling. He was an adult man, so he couldn’t pretend not to know that feeling. But he felt it was inappropriate for him to have such feelings for Flavia. Although his lips said that being involved with a girl as young as Flavia felt like being with his own niece, his heart said otherwise.

The reason he often contacted his twin brother’s family was Flavia.

He wanted to see her face every time he did a video call with his brother’s family. Or at least hear her voice. But his hopes were never fulfilled. Because somehow, her radar seemed so strong. Because she was never there or pretended not to be there whenever Gladwin contacted Claire.

Not only that. Every time there was a celebration in his family where everyone was required to gather, and Gladwin tried to contact his family, she never appeared on the screen. There was always some excuse, whether it was a genuine busy schedule or one that was fabricated.

And when Gladwin chose to spend his holidays by returning to America, she also never showed up whenever he was around.

Five years.

It took five years for Gladwin to finally see her, and that too in his own apartment. It was truly a miracle. When Gladwin searched the place he thought Flavia would be, she wasn’t there. But suddenly, he could see her in a place he thought she would never visit.

Gladwin is furious. Extremely furious. It was he who initially chose to distance himself from the girl to rid himself of feelings he thought were inappropriate. But now, why was it that when the girl chose to avoid him, he found himself disliking it? He was angry. But he was confused about whom to be angry with.

He was the one who decided to put an end to this madness from the beginning. Who wouldn’t know that Flavia liked him? From the way she looked at him, the attention she gave him-Gladwin knew that the girl had feelings for him. However, Gladwin always rejected her.

For God’s sake, Flavia was his niece’s close friend, Abigail. And she had now become the step-niece of his twin brother’s wife, Claire. Gladwin had seen her grow since she wore a white and blue uniform. Was it right for him to have any other feelings? He could be accused of being a pedophile.

And when he heard from Abigail that Flavia had a boyfriend, Gladwin was truly shocked. It felt like something gripped his chest and pulled it so tight. He should be happy, shouldn’t he? At least he knew that her feelings for him were no longer there. But why did he feel reluctant?

Gladwin turned to the beautiful girl in a blue headscarf beside him-Flavia. How should this uncle behave?

“Uncle, are you going to continue the examination now?” Flavia’s question interrupted his thoughts. Reluctantly, Gladwin straightened his posture, following the veiled girl to the examination area.

At exactly three in the afternoon, they decided to stop the examination. There were still about a third of the orphanage children that Gladwin hadn’t examined. But for efficiency, they decided to continue the examination the next day.

Flavia was still organizing all the files she had studied, which she had received from Mrs. Mary. The foundation planned to add some new rooms and implement them in the near future. At around four o’clock, Flavia was about to leave the foundation. However, when she went to the parking lot, she didn’t find her driver or her car there. Instead, it was Gladwin sitting in the car with a book in front of him.

Seeing Flavia’s presence, Gladwin rolled down the car window. “I asked Tobby to go home.” His uncle’s statement answered her unspoken question.

“But why?” Flavia asked, puzzled.

“Why what? You want to go to Grandma’s house, right? So why not go with me?” His uncle’s suggestion.

“But, I…” Flavia looked at her clothes. That was just one of the reasons she had to refuse to go with Gladwin and go to her grandmother’s house towards the end of the event. It used to be like that, but now? Flavia herself had no other reason at the moment.

“I can drop you home first to change and then to Grandma’s house. Or another alternative, I can take you to your familiar boutique because I just returned here, so I don’t know where to buy clothes there, and then we can go straight to Grandma’s house.”

Flavia was confused. Whatever choice she made, it all ended up with her being alone with Gladwin in the car. “Maybe just the boutique,” she answered resignedly. Gladwin nodded, smiling.

Gladwin parked his car in the parking lot of a well-known mall and immediately looked for the nearest boutique. While Flavia chose her clothes, Gladwin did the same. Flavia got a simple dress in light turquoise, gradually shading into pink. When it came time to pay, Gladwin intervened, and the man also handed three paper bags with the boutique’s logo to Flavia. “Birthday gifts from me,” he said, responding to Flavia’s confusion.

“But it’s not my birthday, Uncle?” Flavia asked, puzzled.

“Just consider them as gifts that I missed before.” He replied flatly. “Just take them, while I’m feeling generous.” The man then left Flavia, who was still in a state of bewilderment, without saying a word.

Flavia followed his steps afterward. “Uncle, this is too much,” Flavia replied again. She didn’t see each piece of clothing her uncle chose, but she knew there was more than one garment in each paper bag.

“Well, I’ve missed a few of your birthdays. Add to that the congratulations for entering university and the graduation gift. Well, consider it an accumulation of gifts for all your achievements.” Once again, Gladwin answered with his casual tone.

“Shouldn’t I be the one giving you a gift?” Flavia replied. Gladwin’s steps halted.

“A gift? For me?”

“Yes, a welcome back gift.” Flavia replied as Gladwin resumed his steps.

“Not now, save everything until there’s a lot accumulated, just like the gifts I gave you.”

“I’m not as wealthy as you, Uncle. I can buy your gift now.” Flavia offered. But Gladwin shook his head.

They had returned to the parking lot. Gladwin helped Flavia put the paper bags in the back of the car. Then the car drove to Gladwin’s parents’ house.

Gladwin’s Mother often pesters Gladwin about marriage matters. Considering Gladwin’s age, now reaching thirty-five, and his twin brother’s wife who is about to give birth to their third child, his mother is becoming increasingly eager to match Gladwin with the daughters of her friends. And Gladwin knows that it will happen again today. So, he is reluctant to attend the event his mother is organizing.

Gladwin glanced at Flavia. What if…

Quickly, Gladwin shook his head. What would people say if Gladwin said that he wanted his own niece to be his wife? Surely everyone would criticize him.

Flavia is twelve years younger than him. A significant age difference, of course. Moreover, she is the stepdaughter of his twin brother. Even if he doesn’t care about what people think, what about his family?

His mother loves Flavia as much as she loves Abigail. But would she accept Gladwin’s idea, which even according to Gladwin himself is a crazy idea? And what about Antony, Flavia’s father? Would he be willing to have a son-in-law who is more suitable to be the girl’s uncle?

Gladwin is in a dilemma. But he cannot deny his feelings.

As for Flavia, does she still have the same feelings for him? What about the man named Eijaz? Gladwin doesn’t want to disturb their relationship if their relationship is already serious.

They have arrived at Gladwin’s family home. Gladwin chose not to park his car inside the house. On purpose, so he could leave more easily if he wanted to. Several cars were neatly parked in the house’s yard and the outside. There was a car that Gladwin recognized. His forehead furrowed, did Gladwin invite him to this event? Because, as far as Gladwin knows, he hasn’t even contacted him.